The Wrong Side Of The Law

On September 3, 2005 at approximately 6:11 PM, my friend Lily Ana got into a car accident. As she approached the intersection of 22nd and Alvernon, she began to make a left and head southbound on Alvernon in the second lane, when out of nowhere a 2003 Altima came flying right into the front of her car, making her car skid into the first lane. At least that's what my friend said.

And I believed her. When she called me that day, crying cuz she was all shooken up, I believed her. I even took her side when she told me that she said the wrong thing to the officer. She had told him that while making the turn the light was already yellow, but what she meant was after she began to turn, the light went yellow, meaning she had the right of way. Of course her statement landed her a ticket, which was the reason we went to court yesterday afternoon.

Since this was Lily Ana's first court appearance she had no clue as to what to do, and since I already had previous experience (aka September 23), I went for moral support. (actually, I went as an excuse to miss my math class, but tomatoe, tomatah!)

So we met at the downtown court and found ourselves sitting on a wooden bench, facing nine police officers. Now this was a courtroom. I know it's kinda stupid for me to say this, but I was semi-jealous that Lily Ana got a better courtroom than I did. I mean her case was nothing more than a speeding ticket. Mine was grand theft. Not that I'm bragging or anything, (cuz it wasnt grand theft), but you know what I mean?

Lily Ana got called to the stand, while a nerdy cop sat on the other side. And when I say nerd, I mean nerd. Pleated pants, penny loafers (no lie...), and a plaid shirt. Both a fashion victim, and a walking ad for birth control. So anyways, Lily Ana explained her side of the situation, while the nerdy cop explained his. In the end, Lily Ana lost her case and had to pay a grand fine of $162, instead of the $62 that the ticket was issued. But like my 3rd grade teacher Ms. Clough used to say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

As we drove away from the court house, with Lily Ana behind the wheel, upset about the unfair outcome of the case, I began to wonder if the outcome was fair. Lily Ana drove out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell and totally ran a red light. And that was just within 15 seconds of leaving the court house.

Now, I'm not one to judge on other people's driving abilities (not after I crashed into that callbox 2 years ago, but that's another story!), but it seemed to me that Lily Ana wasnt exactly a safe driver, which was quite odd, since this wasnt the first time I was in the car with her. I mean, yeah, sure, I may have been drunk a few of those other times, but still! You'd think that if she was this bad of a driver, then this wouldnt have been her first ticket.

But it was, and she wanted my opinion on the situation.

LILY ANA: Dont you think that was so unfair? I mean that cop totally just pissed me off!
ME: Huh?
LILY ANA: The cop. Like he really needed to say that I said I ran a yellow light.
ME: Oh, yeah...
LILY ANA: Why couldnt he just keep his mouth shut?
ME: Yeah...
LILY ANA: I mean, I know I'm a good driver, you know? Dont you think?

Actually, I didnt know what to think. I still dont know what to think. Is it wrong to tell your friend, the one you just supported, that she is and was in the wrong? Or do you just smile and pretend like nothing happened? Or is that wrong? Maybe a weekend in Cali will help me sort all this out...

the couple/costume conundrum

A couple weeks ago, Maria invited me to a costume Halloween party. At first I was kinda excited, cuz I havent been to a costume Halloween party since the 6th grade, where I went as...I forget, but I think it was drag, since thats what all the guys did back in middle school. (cool at first, but considering the fact that like half the guys I went to middle school with are gay and do compete in drag shows, it's kinda freaky, you know?)

But as the days began to pass, I kinda had second thoughts. The reason was cuz it was a couple's costume party, where (and I quote!) "You and your boo, must dress cool!" Lame, I will admit, but still, when it's free alcohol, how can you pass up such an offer?

Except, I wish I had my own "boo" to go with. I mean, yeah, Lupita's cool and whatever and I like hanging out with her and whatnot, but, I dont know, I guess sometimes I wish there was someone else in my life that wasnt just a friend. Cuz let me tell ya...it totally sucks being alone.

So I kinda decided I wasnt gonna go. I mean I know I already RSVP-ed but I just didnt feel right going to a couple's party with a friend instead of an actual date. I knew I had no option but to tell Maria before it got too late and things got too messy. But each time I tried to talk about it, I just didnt have the heart nor the guts, and soon I found myself shopping with Maria for Halloween costumes.

She had decided we were going as Carlos and Gabrielle of Desperate Housewives, which sounded like fun, and made me think twice again about going. Unfortunately, Maria couldnt find an ensemble that was deemed "Gabrielle enough" and so, last minute she decided to go as Cleopatra. Which meant that I had to give up my orange jailer jumpsuit for something less from this century. Which seemed plausible since I did look good in the Roman guard costume. Who'da thunk I'd look good ina white skirt and brown sandals? I mean besides half my middle school friends.

As, I stood in line to pay for my costume, I kept seeing all these lovey dovey couples around me. It was as if Halloween was the new Valentine's. Something about carving a face into a pumpkin and hanging plastic skeletons all over the place just screamed 'love'. I didnt understand it, but apparently the couple macking behind Maria and me, were just turned on by the idea of ghosts and goblins. My second doubts started to spark up again, and so last minute I put the costume on hold and decided to pick it up on Saturday, the day of the party.

Saturday came and I was still undecided if I was gonna go. I was opting for staying home and watching SNL , over a bag of Pop Secret , when I realized I could be doomed for a life of loser-um. I couldnt believe that I wanted to stay home on a Saturday night rather than go to a kick-ass party, and all because I was still single. Right away, I called Maria and asked her what time the party began.

Instead of wasting prescious time, Maria decided to pick up both my costume and my ass, which I was really greatfull for until she arrived at my door. Instead of the hot Roman guard costume, she decided (last minute) that I should go as a Roman emperor with a toga and all.

ME: Maria! It's a dress!
MARIA: It's a toga.
ME: Which is latin for "male dress!"
MARIA: Oh, whatever...
ME: Maria, I cant go with a dress on!
MARIA: It's not a dress! Besides I couldnt find that Roman guard one and I thought this one matched me better.
ME: What do you mean you couldnt find it? Didnt they have it at the counter?
MARIA: Well, they put it back when you didnt come back and pick it up. And I looked all over for it, but couldnt find it, so I got the next best thing.
ME: And this was it?!
MARIA: It was either this or nothing, David!
ME: Then you choose nothing! UGH...I cant believe I'm wearing a dress for Halloween.
MARIA: It's a toga!
ME: It's a dress!

It was a long dress that went all the way to my ankles and had a purple sash/cape in the back and came with gold arm cuffs and a gold leaf wreath for my head. If I was in a relationship with someone, that costume would have guarenteed me sex for the night. Instead, it only guaranteed me a free ride to and from the party.

On the way to the party, Maria and I talked about relationships and dating and got so involved in our discussion that we took the wrong ramp off the freeway and drove down a dark, dirt, one-way road for 15 minutes. We were lost. We were dressed like the cast of ROME and we were lost. But we werent the only ones. Down the road, standing next to a stranded car, was the horny Halloween couple that stood behind Maria and me at the costume shop. They were arguing and screaming at each other, portraying the zombie and grim reaper (the costumes they were wearing) to a T.

As we drove by the screaming dead, I realized that being in a relationship wasnt so important. I mean, the whole reason I wanted to be in one was for a stupid costume party, which, now that I think about it, sounds kinda pathetic. Being in a relationship with someone, means that I would be tied down. It means my needs would come second to my special someone. Selfish as that sounds, it's what I was thinking as Maria and I searched for a road that would lead back to the freeway.

In the end I realized I dont need a special someone in my life to be my date. I already had a special someone in my life and her name was Maria. She may not be my girlfriend or my soulmate, but she is my best friend and it's kinda nice just hanging out and doing things with her. Even if it's holding her hair back while she's puking in the toliet.

Pump It...Louder!

The concert was awesome! I know I took forever to talk about it, but I've been so busy trying to regain my voice back...seriously. But it was just such an amazing experience to see these great artists perform some really great music, live!

Maria and I got to Phoenix, with time to spare, and stopped at In-N-Out Burger for a quick bite. We then made our way to the America West Arena where we took pictures with Harajuku Girls and met the craziest fans. It's almost like Maria and I weren't worthy enough to be there. But no whacked-out fan with a black top and mis-matching striped socks could stop us.

The Black Eyed Peas opened the concert, with their vibrating, funky, hip-hop sounds and rocked the house down. I mean, I 've never shooken my ass and pump my fist in the air so much while being sober. It was such an awesome experience! And for one brief moment, during the concert, it was like me and Fergie were the only ones there and she was shaking her humps, just for me... The crowd was totally crazy, and at the end, when Will I Am said, "Now, unfortunately, since we're almost over, we cant get this concert started...so let's just get RETARDED!" all hell broke lose. Partially, cuz' a killer song was just moments away, and partially cuz a singer's concert cry had just told an entire audience to become retarded. Is that even PC or am I old-fashioned?

After a a brief 20 minute intermission, Maria and I stocked up on souvenirs and refreshments and got ready for Gwen Stefani. Seeing her and the Harajuku Girls sing and dance on stage was like watching the MTV Music Video Awards or an unpresidented special on TV. It was just so cool to see that Gwen had made it on her own, you know? Like you know how so many people leave a group to do a solo act and they fail so miserably? (aka four of the NSYNC guys and one member of Destiny's Child) Well, it was cool to see that she actually made it and it was so cool to hear her sing live.

The coolest part of the entire concert was having Fergie stand not 10 feet away from me, watching Gwen perform. How cool is that? It's like she wasn't even a singer, but a fan like the rest of us. A fan, surrounded by big security guards. And she came over and shook our hands! We took a picture and everything, but as you can tell, the photo's totally did not come out...but whatever! I know in my heart, I met Fergie and I got to touch Gwen, as you can kinda tell in this pic with the bitch getting in my shot and covering her all up. All in all, I gotta say, this was an awesome concert. I'm still in shock that I actually went, and that I got to see them for free! Now all I have to do is find my 'Pay It Foward' act, and I'll be good to go.

The Kindness Of Strangers

Four days ago, I was in an online bidding war for a pair of Gwen Stefani concert tickets, but lost to eBay user vintagestiles. So, like any other eBay addicts, I overcame my loss quickly and moved on to another bid.

The item? 2 front-row tickets. The starting bid? $500. Yeah. And so far, nobody had made a bid. I mean, could you blame them? $500 for a pair of concert tickets was a little crazy, but then again I just bought an entire case of Jergens Natural Glow (God's gift to albino's) like there was no tomorrow, so who was I to complain about money?

I watched the auction to see if anyone would make a bid, but so far no one had. With only three hours left...two hours left...one hour left...I e-mailed the seller and asked them, "If no one makes a bid, would you be willing to sell them for me, for $200?" The seller was still keen on the idea that someone would make a bid and sadly told me, "No, but if you wait until after the auction, I may have something else for you."

The auction ended with a whopping bid of $560, and just before I had lost all hope of ever seeing Gwen or her opening act friends the Black Eyed Peas, the seller e-mailed me and asked if I would like to have a pair of concert tickets, section 111, row BB, seats 4 and 5...for FREE.

I'm not even kidding you! She sensed through my e-mails, that I was a kind spirit and wanted to bless me with free concert tickets! No lie, no catch, no no nanette! I kept asking to make sure what her reasons were, and she just said, "No catch, I'm just a swell girl that likes to do nice things. Just remember to pay it foward."

And that was that. I got the tickets yesterday in the mail and in a couple of hours, me and Maria will be driving up to Phoenix for one kick-ass concert...I'll tell y'all about it later!

From Geek To Chic To Total EEK!

Two years ago, my friend Nicole, the Martha Stewart of Tucson teenagers who made me a pillow for a graduation gift and a confetti cake for my birthday, met my friend Celinda.

We were all in Mr. Koppy's Advanced Journalism class our senior year. I had known Nicole since the good ol' days of middle school. We never really hung out in the same social circles, (she was in the ghetto fab, whereas I was in the fab) but after two years in the same journalism class, we became friends, and forgot about our petty middle school circles.

Celinda, on the other hand, became my friend after we were both assigned to work on the same story for the school newspaper. After a lengthly discussion on why The O.C. was by far the best show on TV, we discovered we had to stay after class, cuz we never actually got around to writing the story. A similiar situation happened to Nicole. One pepperoni pizza and three iced caramel frapps later, we all became really good friends.

Lately though, we've kinda seperated. Not in a bad way, but, not exactly in a good way either. We still keep in touch with phone calls, texts, and MySpace, but with work, school, and family stuff, we rarely see each other anymore. Except for Nicole and Celinda.

This past summer, it seems as though Nicole made it her personal goal to hang out with Celinda, the same way a groupie would hang out with a rock band, minus the drunken sex and shooting up. Kinda like Kate Hudson in Almost Famous and that whole Band Aid thing. Anyways, so yeah, she and Celinda have been hanging out and I mean, thats cool and all, I'm not jealous or anything, (really, I'm not!) but I feel like I'm losing a friend.

Back in highschool, Nicole was kinda a nerd. Instead of going to a party, she opted to stay at home and work on her scrapbooks or sew a hanging quilt. That was the thing that made Nicole special. She didnt think going to parties and getting trashed in the bathroom at 2 in the morning made her cool. It was the fact that she didnt do that, that made her cool.

But after hanging out with Celinda for a whole summer, it seems as if though all of Nicole's wholesome morals had gone out the window. Now, she party hardy's every weekend and even last week she told me, "I smoked my first dubee and am so stoked!" She's changed. Totally. The hemline on her skirts and tops, like her waist, are losing inches. Which, I'll admit, is pretty hot, but it's not Nicole. And I dont know what to say about it. I mean, on the one hand, I'm glad I have a new drinking buddy, but on the other, I miss the old Nicole.

But I dont think Nicole, misses the old Nicole. In fact, I think she likes the "New Nicole." Is it wrong to want the old Nicole back? And if so, is there anyway to talk to her about it without sounding totally selfish? I mean, how do you tell someone, that the "new them" isnt exactly all that and that you prefer the "old them," instead?

In His, Hers, And My Shoes

So, this past weekend I saw the movie In Her Shoes, with Maria and had a horrifying revalation presented to me.

I wont spoil the movie at all, but in it, Cameron Diaz's character, Rose, is this free-spirited party girl, who cant seem to keep a job for more than a month, and dreams of making it famous one day. Throughout the movie, Rose lives the care-free life and pays the consequences as she is kicked out from house to house, only to end up living with her grandmother at a retirement center.

Throughout the movie, I was constantly reminded that my way of life mirrored Cameron Diaz's character. At first, I laughed at the very idea. But as the movie progressed, and I saw Cameron Diaz act like a spaz on the big screen (which I dont think was to far from real life) I began to wonder if there was any truth in Maria's assumption.

MARIA: Well, it's not like I'm lying or anything.
ME: Ugh! Maria!
MARIA: What? Like your gonna stand there and tell me, you did not see yourself on that big screen?
ME: I dont know.
MARIA: David, how long do you last at your jobs?
ME: What do you mean?
MARIA: How long do you last at your jobs?

Maria had a point. For the past year, the longest I had held a job was 2 months, 1 week and 4 days. And the sad thing is...no, wait, that is the sad thing. I mean, the only other job I've had, was the one where I worked at Forever 21.

From November 2003 to April 2004, I worked as a sales associate, but left after my ex-best friend Isabel, told the manager I was the ringleader in a recent employee shoplifting scandal. She was jealous that I was on my way to becoming an assistant manager, and made up some B.S. that my wardrobe was lacking in the cheap, synthetic-fabric department, and well...I quit. Or got fired. I'm not sure. I mean, I know they told me my "services were no longer needed" but I replied with, "To hell with my services, I quit!" Anyways...

I didnt work again until January of this year, because I told myself, I needed a break and wanted to prepare myself for college. The reality was, I couldnt land a job if my life depended on it. Not even seasonal.

But as Maria and I talked some more, I kinda got the feeling that maybe living the care-free life wasnt so horrible.

MARIA: I mean, dont get me wrong, I'm not trying to put you down or anything, it's just I wish I could be more like that.
ME: More like what?
MARIA: More laid back. I'm always stressing over my work, over school, I stress over everything. And you dont.
ME: I stress!
MARIA: Yeah. Over your hair.
ME: What?!
MARIA: I'm kidding. But no, for reals. You hardly ever stress. Everytime I call you, you're either watching TV or shopping or hanging out with someone.
ME: Not these days...
MARIA: And you always look like you're going to a party or something.
ME: Aw, thanks. I do try.
MARIA: And yet, you always pass your classes. Even in high school, you were the biggest ditcher I knew. You were always drinking and smoking...
ME: Maria! I did not smoke!
MARIA: David...
ME: Well, at least not ciggerates...
MARIA: The point is, you've always had this laid-back-fuck-you-world-take-me-as-I-am-or-dont kinda additude and I've always admired that. You dont care what other people think, and you dont stress over everything. You dont care about the consequences, you just live for the moment. I wish I was more like that.

You wish you were more careless? So, now I dont know if thats a good quality or not. Is it something I should be proud of, or something I should work on? Or should I take pride in the fact I'm living the life my friends wanna live? Thanks a lot Cameron...

The Big Two-Oh-My-Gah...

Ok, so it's 12:01, which means, I'm officially 20. Fuck, I'm old. I'm not a teenager anymore....I mean, there goes like a third of my life. I wont be adding the word "teen" after my age anymore, which basically means, I'm an adult. An adult. Too old to be a kid, too young to be a parent, yet considered an adult. I'm just stuck in the middle...like that fish-looking kid, Malcom.

UGH...cant I just keep all my presents and still be 19? Cuz I think I'm still 19 in Hawaii or something...I dont know. I mean, my life’s going pretty well and all, but I look around and I just see so many of my friends and peers who’ve accomplished so many of their goals and most of them aren't even 20. They have direction, whereas I, am still just trying to figure it all out.

But like my friend 3D says, "Ya gotta grab life by the balls and yell out, "FUCK IT, I'M 20!" Of course, my friend 3D is always poppin' some kinda new pill, so his advice isnt really taken as a final thought. But maybe there is some truth in it. Maybe turning 20 isnt so bad...hold on, my phone's ringing.

Ok, so I just got off the phone with my friend Litzaya (who just so happens to share the same birthday as me! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITZAYA!) and I'm just totally in love with her. Well, not in that way, but you know what I mean.

ME: Ugh, it's such a bitch turning 20.

LITZAYA: Why?

ME: Well, you know, it's cuz...ok, I'm 20 right?

LITZAYA: Yeah...

ME: Well, it's like, I'm one year older and I still have no idea what I wanna do in life you know? I mean, you have your professional basketball dream, Eliana has her medical assistant dream, and even Danny has a dream to own his own business someday. It's like, y'all have your own little paths made, and y'all know whats at the end of it. And y'all are younger than me, and I'm still clueless.

LITZAYA: So? Who cares if you dont know where you're going? Not everyone knows what path they're gonna take and besides...getting there is half the fun. So why rush to it? Just have fun and enjoy life, and then before you know it, your path pops up right in front of you, you old fart!

Litzaya, you are so smart and so awesome. No wonder you're at NAU and I'm still stuck in Tucson at Pima. Those are just pearls of wisdom (except for that 'old fart' comment...how immature!) But whatever. I'm 20. That feels so cool to say it. I'm 20. I'm 20. Nah, it's too early. I'm 19 and 12 months...totally better. Another year older, and none the wiser.

A Gay/December Romance

Is it wrong to have an older guy friend take you on a shopping spree? At first, I didnt think so, but now after some thought, I'm thinking maybe it was wrong. I'm asking this because, well, it happened to me this past weekend.

What went down:

I have this friend named Raul who I met at a graduation party in May, right after I quit my job at InfoNXX (yet another, weird job quitting story, which I'll tell y'all about later...). He asked where I worked, and I told him I quit my previous job because my boss turned out to be this crazy psychotic woman (remember the movie The Hand That Rocks The Cradle? She was the technical advisor!)

Well, anyways, it turned out that crazy, psychotic boss-lady Linda was his aunt. Yeah. In this small world of ours, why do I keep burning these bridges? You'd think I'd know better by now, but, no, apparently not. Whatever. But it was cool though, cuz turns out, Raul hates his aunt Linda too. Apparently, when he graduated several years back, Linda had told him she couldnt go to his graduation because it was in the morning and she was tired. Plus, since she had the night shift that day, she wanted to rest up for it. I know! What a bitch.

So, we bonded over that and have kinda been hanging out ever since then.

Then this past weekend, he invited me to Phoenix. He wanted to do something special for my up coming birthday (by the way, it's October 6th, and I am registered at Macy's and Dillards, just so y'all know), and figured a lunch at my favorite restaurant, The Rainforest Cafe, would be a good idea. Free lunch in a city other than my own? You aint gots to tell me twice.

The lunch was so good, but then again, anything eaten on someone else's credit card, is always good! After lunch, we kinda walked around the Arizona Mills Mall, and before I knew it, I was carrying more than $600 worth of mall goods. If I'd have known he was gonna buy me everything I pointed to, well...I'd have pointed more in the Gucci store! Kidding.

But no for reals. I didnt think anything of it. I guess I got caught up in the moment of having unlimited credit in my hands. I blame the hanging flouresent lights and the scent of lemon pine-sol floors. It wasn't until we got back to his car when I realized how much I had spent. Or actually, how much he spent.

ME: You know, maybe I should take some of this back. I mean, it's a lot.
RAUL: Forget about it. It's cool.
ME: Yeah, but I mean...
RAUL: It's cool. Dont worry. Besides, if you could take some of that stuff back, what would you return?
ME: Well, I dont know, but something.
RAUL: See? You dont know. So just keep it.
ME: Yeah, but...I dont know, it seems a little too much.
RAUL: Who cares? It's my treat to you. I like being generous with my friends.
ME: Well, ok, I guess.
RAUL: There you go! Besides, I want you to know that I think of you more than a friend.
ME: Oh? Kay...
RAUL: I really, really like you.

There it was. In black and white. He said, "I really, really like you." That was twice too many times to use the word, "really" in a sentence between guy friends, dont you think? Especially when one of them is straight. I guess I should have mentioned that Raul was gay. But see, to me that didnt bother me. Sexual orientation isnt really a top quality I look for in a friend, you know?

The ride was totally dead quiet along the way back to Tucson. I was thinking about what had happened, and I'm sure Raul was kicking himself for saying what he said. Very weird. The thing is, I dont know what to do now. The more I think about it, the more I think of how this whole situation looks like a sugar daddy weekend. I cant even bring myself to look at the shopping bags and the heavenly goodness they hold. Well, not true. I've been breaking in my new Oliver Peoples sunglasses and they are so great! But what I do about Raul? Do I pretend the whole thing never happened? Or is it wrong to ignore it? And what do I do about my new clothes? UGH...

Old Friends, New Disasters

Last night, I called my old friend Skye to see if he and another old friend, Isabel, wanted to go out to lunch soon. The reason I call them old friends is because about a year and a half ago, we had this huge falling out.

Isabel and I were both working at Forever 21 during our senior year but after this huge debacle at prom, Isabel simply told our manager, that I was the ringleader of a recent shoplifting fiasco that had gone down at our store. Of course, it wasnt true, but Isabel lied so well, that I was fired and she was promoted. Ever since then I've hated Isabel.

But a few weeks ago, during one of my many mall pick me ups, I bumped into Isabel and Skye. Literally. I was wearing these new blue contacts, and couldnt see a damn thing in front of me. Just vague, formless shapes. But who needs sight when your eyes are the color of the sky on a clear day?

What I thought would be an awkward moment, turned out to be the most natual meeting of all. After you break up with someone, you hope and pray to God to run into the ex-party, looking like a movie star, to make them see that you dont need them anymore and that you're actually better off without them. It's how I had always hoped to run into Isabel, and coincidently enough, my wish came true. The funny thing is that once my dream came true, my confidence had a major boost and I no longer hated Isabel. Call it maturity or whatnot, but I was actually glad to know that I was no longer consumed with hatred for this old friend.

We chatted for a little while, and made plans to go out to lunch. But as the days passed, no phone calls were made. I later found out from Skye that the reason he or Isabel made no attempt to contact me was because she had run off to Mexico. But to make up for it, Skye suggested another luncheon. This time it would be with another old friend/enemy, Brenda. But with this old friend/enemy I wasnt ready to make peace and so told Skye I wouldnt be able to make it, because...I was busy planning my own birthday party.

A lie, I know, but it's just I wasnt ready to start having lunch with Brenda. I mean, I had just gotten over Isabel, wasnt that enough? I guess not, cuz' now I have this huge blow-out party to throw for myself in less than a week, and my ass is just totally broke. Ugh...

Oops! I Made A Drunken Mistake Again!

After a weekend of shenanigans (I told a girl I had just gotten my tongue pierced and had yet to try it out; dont ask) I found myself in yet a different sort of court. Family court.

Sleeping off my drunken state of vodka and who knows what, I was awoken by the high-pitched screams of my 8 year old cousin. She ran out of my room, screaming, with her hands flapping towards her open mouth. As I looked towards the general area of where my cousin had just stood, I saw it. My favorite Anchor Blue flask belt buckle spilling out Tarantula Azul, my favorite citrus flavored tequilla.

Before I could react to the spilled goodness, my entire family came rushing back in as my little cousin pointed to the overflowing flask.

There I was, facing the tribunal, when I should have been in church having the communal bread soak up the previous night's alcohol, that was still sloshing around in my stomach. Guess I should have said "no" to that 4th cup.

The only reason, my tiny little flask was filled in the first place, was because I didnt think I would be going to a party. Keli said it would be just a dinner thing, and so I figured it wouldnt hurt to be a little tipsy. But somehow the dinner turned into a full-fledged party complete with these cool chinese lanterns.

Anyways, I did what any person would do in my situation. I lied. Despite my better judgement I told everyone that I loaned Keli my belt buckle the previous weekend, and that she must have given it back to me, filled with disgusting, sinful alcohol. And, the crazy thing is, it worked! Which was a total first, since alcohol is like a truth serum for me.

And everything worked out for the best. My cousin was a little woozy for about 10 minutes and made a promise to my aunt that she would never drink because "it burned my mouth," and I got another "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card. Now all I have to do is keep my cousin away from my armoire with the false bottom.

Out Of Jail And Out Of Sight

Ok, whew! Y'all can breathe, cuz I aint going to jail! So break out the Hpnotiq, cuz' it's time to party! LOL... But no, for reals, I cannot begin to even tell y'all how scared I was yesterday.

So I got all dressed thinking I was gonna step onto the movie set of Chicago, with a judge, a jury, and my jackass ex-employer. Already, I could see myself sitting on the cherrywood-stained witness stand, my eyes turning to the size of dinner plates and my lips quivering...it's the perfect sad puppy-dog look, which I'm proud to admit, that I mastered at age 3. But it was nothing like that.

Instead, the "courtroom" was more like a big conference room, with 10 rows of wooden benches facing a huge desk, with 5 computers, on a platform. And it wasnt just me in there. The entire room was filled with people ranging anywhere from college to about 3 months after death. I felt so out of place wearing my dark navy Nautica jeans with my grey Ralph Lauren Polo (the only with the little blue pony), while everyone was dressed totally down, like they were going to government-funded barbeque. Which meant that my weekend viewing of "Chicago" and "Legally Blonde" went to waste. Well, not a total waste...I did learn a few dance moves (only who in the hell knows when I'll use them).

The thing is, behind my plucked, coiffed, buffed, and fluffed exterior, I was scared. This was my first time in court and I was so scared of going to jail. Especially when I knew in my heart of hearts, that I was innocent.

It all happened two weeks ago, when security came into my work and called me to the back. Apparently, one of my managers had been caught embezzling funds from out store. Enough to buy a Bently from the factory. And while looking over old reciepts and security tapes, my name (and picture) was brought up. It seems, that my manager had been using my register and soical security number to refund "customers" their money. Only the "customers" turned out to be his Cherokee-name brand jeans. And the way the receipt's were written, it looked as if I had been refunding money to myself.

But that wasnt the only "theft" I had carried out. Security had been looking at old security camera tapes, and they "caught" me drinking a can of unpaid, 99-cent, Arizona Green Tea. See, I was thirsty, and left my register to get something to drink. When I came back to my friend's register, someone was already in front of me, and a line started to form behind me. So I went back to my register, promising my friend I'd pay for the tea later (the camera doesnt have no audio, but you can so tell from the body movements that, that was implied). During the next hour on the tape, I was seen drinking the tea and throwing the can away in the trashcan. So, technically, I did "steal" a thing of tea...but honestly, it was a total accident. A brain fart.

Two-and-a-half hours later, after being hit on by an abusive desperate housewife (who hit a cop with a frying pan, because he didnt have a search warrent when he broke down her door) and calling the judge "Your Highness" (which was a total slip of the tongue, but I think he took as a sign of mockery), I used my "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card, and found myself walking along the pavement, with a whole new meaning on life. The sun was brighter, the air was cleaner...well, not that clean, since they are building those new offices across the street, but still. I was free.

The only thing is I have to pay $180 for a diversion class, that will teach me to restrain myself from shoplifting. Yeah, I know. Retarded. It was a 99 cent can of green tea! UGH...and it was an accident! Chimps...I am working with chimps.

Takin' The Easy and Hard Way Out

Ok, so I'm thinking of running away to Mexico and changing my name to Jorge . Why? Well, I have a court date tomorrow where a judge is gonna determine whether or not I was a part of this big ol' employee theft thing that went down at my old job. The thing is, I wasnt a part of it, per se', but the way it looks on the security camera...well...let's just say there are two sides to every story (I'd talk about, but unfortunately this is like a major government issue, and I signed a confidentiality agreement).

I mean, even though I'm innocent and all, I still dont like the idea of going to court and all. Something about it just rubs me the wrong way. It's the same way I feel about those Super Wal-Mart centers...buying meat and shoes in the isle is just so wrong.

And I mean, I know it's stupid to run away from your problems rather than face them (as many TV shows and countless coming-of-age movies, have so graciously taught us), but it just seems like the easier route to take, you know? Besides, according to Office Max, having an EASY button is the key to a simple and efficient life. Why cant I have the simple and efficient life? Like the way the kids from Laguna Beach do...

But I guess what's seen on the outside, doesnt show the pain in the inside. Just ask my old friend Isabel. See, Isabel met this one dude over the summer and fell in love. After just dating for 2 months, the dude proposed to Isabel, and promised her he would take care of her for the rest of his life and all this other lovey-dovey shit. Blinded by love, Isabel just could not (and would not) see this as a line to just get into her size 0 jeans.

Anyways, about a month ago (early August), Isabel wrote me an email and said:

"i think its time for us to forget the past and be friends. i dont mean best friends because i dont think we can ever get into that stage again but we can be friends and hang out for one last time b4 i leave this town. i am moving to lake tahoe, california. yes david, i am leaving tucson in 2 weeks because i am getting married. i hope u get this message within 2 weeks so u can call me and we can hang out ONE LAST TIME. i dont mean hang out and argue...just hang out and socialize like the socialites we are. ;)"

Of course, two weeks went by and no wedding bells were rung. Which wasnt exactly a big shocker. And I doubt they will ever ring for Isabel and that dude. I'm not saying it to be mean or anything, but, well...the dude, told her he couldnt go through with the wedding and told her to just move on with her life. Yeah, I know. Way harsh. So Isabel did what any respectful neice of a Mexican drug lord would do...she flew the coop to Mexico to recover from her post-traumatic stress.

And now that I think about it, I think maybe going to court wont be so hard. I cant believe I'm saying this, but maybe I should go to court and face the judge. The only question now is...what do I wear?