Ok, whew! Y'all can breathe, cuz I aint going to jail! So break out the Hpnotiq, cuz' it's time to party! LOL... But no, for reals, I cannot begin to even tell y'all how scared I was yesterday.
So I got all dressed thinking I was gonna step onto the movie set of Chicago, with a judge, a jury, and my jackass ex-employer. Already, I could see myself sitting on the cherrywood-stained witness stand, my eyes turning to the size of dinner plates and my lips quivering...it's the perfect sad puppy-dog look, which I'm proud to admit, that I mastered at age 3. But it was nothing like that.
Instead, the "courtroom" was more like a big conference room, with 10 rows of wooden benches facing a huge desk, with 5 computers, on a platform. And it wasnt just me in there. The entire room was filled with people ranging anywhere from college to about 3 months after death. I felt so out of place wearing my dark navy Nautica jeans with my grey Ralph Lauren Polo (the only with the little blue pony), while everyone was dressed totally down, like they were going to government-funded barbeque. Which meant that my weekend viewing of "Chicago" and "Legally Blonde" went to waste. Well, not a total waste...I did learn a few dance moves (only who in the hell knows when I'll use them).
The thing is, behind my plucked, coiffed, buffed, and fluffed exterior, I was scared. This was my first time in court and I was so scared of going to jail. Especially when I knew in my heart of hearts, that I was innocent.
It all happened two weeks ago, when security came into my work and called me to the back. Apparently, one of my managers had been caught embezzling funds from out store. Enough to buy a Bently from the factory. And while looking over old reciepts and security tapes, my name (and picture) was brought up. It seems, that my manager had been using my register and soical security number to refund "customers" their money. Only the "customers" turned out to be his Cherokee-name brand jeans. And the way the receipt's were written, it looked as if I had been refunding money to myself.
But that wasnt the only "theft" I had carried out. Security had been looking at old security camera tapes, and they "caught" me drinking a can of unpaid, 99-cent, Arizona Green Tea. See, I was thirsty, and left my register to get something to drink. When I came back to my friend's register, someone was already in front of me, and a line started to form behind me. So I went back to my register, promising my friend I'd pay for the tea later (the camera doesnt have no audio, but you can so tell from the body movements that, that was implied). During the next hour on the tape, I was seen drinking the tea and throwing the can away in the trashcan. So, technically, I did "steal" a thing of tea...but honestly, it was a total accident. A brain fart.
Two-and-a-half hours later, after being hit on by an abusive desperate housewife (who hit a cop with a frying pan, because he didnt have a search warrent when he broke down her door) and calling the judge "Your Highness" (which was a total slip of the tongue, but I think he took as a sign of mockery), I used my "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card, and found myself walking along the pavement, with a whole new meaning on life. The sun was brighter, the air was cleaner...well, not that clean, since they are building those new offices across the street, but still. I was free.
The only thing is I have to pay $180 for a diversion class, that will teach me to restrain myself from shoplifting. Yeah, I know. Retarded. It was a 99 cent can of green tea! UGH...and it was an accident! Chimps...I am working with chimps.
2 years ago
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