Old Friends, New Disasters

Last night, I called my old friend Skye to see if he and another old friend, Isabel, wanted to go out to lunch soon. The reason I call them old friends is because about a year and a half ago, we had this huge falling out.

Isabel and I were both working at Forever 21 during our senior year but after this huge debacle at prom, Isabel simply told our manager, that I was the ringleader of a recent shoplifting fiasco that had gone down at our store. Of course, it wasnt true, but Isabel lied so well, that I was fired and she was promoted. Ever since then I've hated Isabel.

But a few weeks ago, during one of my many mall pick me ups, I bumped into Isabel and Skye. Literally. I was wearing these new blue contacts, and couldnt see a damn thing in front of me. Just vague, formless shapes. But who needs sight when your eyes are the color of the sky on a clear day?

What I thought would be an awkward moment, turned out to be the most natual meeting of all. After you break up with someone, you hope and pray to God to run into the ex-party, looking like a movie star, to make them see that you dont need them anymore and that you're actually better off without them. It's how I had always hoped to run into Isabel, and coincidently enough, my wish came true. The funny thing is that once my dream came true, my confidence had a major boost and I no longer hated Isabel. Call it maturity or whatnot, but I was actually glad to know that I was no longer consumed with hatred for this old friend.

We chatted for a little while, and made plans to go out to lunch. But as the days passed, no phone calls were made. I later found out from Skye that the reason he or Isabel made no attempt to contact me was because she had run off to Mexico. But to make up for it, Skye suggested another luncheon. This time it would be with another old friend/enemy, Brenda. But with this old friend/enemy I wasnt ready to make peace and so told Skye I wouldnt be able to make it, because...I was busy planning my own birthday party.

A lie, I know, but it's just I wasnt ready to start having lunch with Brenda. I mean, I had just gotten over Isabel, wasnt that enough? I guess not, cuz' now I have this huge blow-out party to throw for myself in less than a week, and my ass is just totally broke. Ugh...

Oops! I Made A Drunken Mistake Again!

After a weekend of shenanigans (I told a girl I had just gotten my tongue pierced and had yet to try it out; dont ask) I found myself in yet a different sort of court. Family court.

Sleeping off my drunken state of vodka and who knows what, I was awoken by the high-pitched screams of my 8 year old cousin. She ran out of my room, screaming, with her hands flapping towards her open mouth. As I looked towards the general area of where my cousin had just stood, I saw it. My favorite Anchor Blue flask belt buckle spilling out Tarantula Azul, my favorite citrus flavored tequilla.

Before I could react to the spilled goodness, my entire family came rushing back in as my little cousin pointed to the overflowing flask.

There I was, facing the tribunal, when I should have been in church having the communal bread soak up the previous night's alcohol, that was still sloshing around in my stomach. Guess I should have said "no" to that 4th cup.

The only reason, my tiny little flask was filled in the first place, was because I didnt think I would be going to a party. Keli said it would be just a dinner thing, and so I figured it wouldnt hurt to be a little tipsy. But somehow the dinner turned into a full-fledged party complete with these cool chinese lanterns.

Anyways, I did what any person would do in my situation. I lied. Despite my better judgement I told everyone that I loaned Keli my belt buckle the previous weekend, and that she must have given it back to me, filled with disgusting, sinful alcohol. And, the crazy thing is, it worked! Which was a total first, since alcohol is like a truth serum for me.

And everything worked out for the best. My cousin was a little woozy for about 10 minutes and made a promise to my aunt that she would never drink because "it burned my mouth," and I got another "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card. Now all I have to do is keep my cousin away from my armoire with the false bottom.

Out Of Jail And Out Of Sight

Ok, whew! Y'all can breathe, cuz I aint going to jail! So break out the Hpnotiq, cuz' it's time to party! LOL... But no, for reals, I cannot begin to even tell y'all how scared I was yesterday.

So I got all dressed thinking I was gonna step onto the movie set of Chicago, with a judge, a jury, and my jackass ex-employer. Already, I could see myself sitting on the cherrywood-stained witness stand, my eyes turning to the size of dinner plates and my lips quivering...it's the perfect sad puppy-dog look, which I'm proud to admit, that I mastered at age 3. But it was nothing like that.

Instead, the "courtroom" was more like a big conference room, with 10 rows of wooden benches facing a huge desk, with 5 computers, on a platform. And it wasnt just me in there. The entire room was filled with people ranging anywhere from college to about 3 months after death. I felt so out of place wearing my dark navy Nautica jeans with my grey Ralph Lauren Polo (the only with the little blue pony), while everyone was dressed totally down, like they were going to government-funded barbeque. Which meant that my weekend viewing of "Chicago" and "Legally Blonde" went to waste. Well, not a total waste...I did learn a few dance moves (only who in the hell knows when I'll use them).

The thing is, behind my plucked, coiffed, buffed, and fluffed exterior, I was scared. This was my first time in court and I was so scared of going to jail. Especially when I knew in my heart of hearts, that I was innocent.

It all happened two weeks ago, when security came into my work and called me to the back. Apparently, one of my managers had been caught embezzling funds from out store. Enough to buy a Bently from the factory. And while looking over old reciepts and security tapes, my name (and picture) was brought up. It seems, that my manager had been using my register and soical security number to refund "customers" their money. Only the "customers" turned out to be his Cherokee-name brand jeans. And the way the receipt's were written, it looked as if I had been refunding money to myself.

But that wasnt the only "theft" I had carried out. Security had been looking at old security camera tapes, and they "caught" me drinking a can of unpaid, 99-cent, Arizona Green Tea. See, I was thirsty, and left my register to get something to drink. When I came back to my friend's register, someone was already in front of me, and a line started to form behind me. So I went back to my register, promising my friend I'd pay for the tea later (the camera doesnt have no audio, but you can so tell from the body movements that, that was implied). During the next hour on the tape, I was seen drinking the tea and throwing the can away in the trashcan. So, technically, I did "steal" a thing of tea...but honestly, it was a total accident. A brain fart.

Two-and-a-half hours later, after being hit on by an abusive desperate housewife (who hit a cop with a frying pan, because he didnt have a search warrent when he broke down her door) and calling the judge "Your Highness" (which was a total slip of the tongue, but I think he took as a sign of mockery), I used my "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" card, and found myself walking along the pavement, with a whole new meaning on life. The sun was brighter, the air was cleaner...well, not that clean, since they are building those new offices across the street, but still. I was free.

The only thing is I have to pay $180 for a diversion class, that will teach me to restrain myself from shoplifting. Yeah, I know. Retarded. It was a 99 cent can of green tea! UGH...and it was an accident! Chimps...I am working with chimps.

Takin' The Easy and Hard Way Out

Ok, so I'm thinking of running away to Mexico and changing my name to Jorge . Why? Well, I have a court date tomorrow where a judge is gonna determine whether or not I was a part of this big ol' employee theft thing that went down at my old job. The thing is, I wasnt a part of it, per se', but the way it looks on the security camera...well...let's just say there are two sides to every story (I'd talk about, but unfortunately this is like a major government issue, and I signed a confidentiality agreement).

I mean, even though I'm innocent and all, I still dont like the idea of going to court and all. Something about it just rubs me the wrong way. It's the same way I feel about those Super Wal-Mart centers...buying meat and shoes in the isle is just so wrong.

And I mean, I know it's stupid to run away from your problems rather than face them (as many TV shows and countless coming-of-age movies, have so graciously taught us), but it just seems like the easier route to take, you know? Besides, according to Office Max, having an EASY button is the key to a simple and efficient life. Why cant I have the simple and efficient life? Like the way the kids from Laguna Beach do...

But I guess what's seen on the outside, doesnt show the pain in the inside. Just ask my old friend Isabel. See, Isabel met this one dude over the summer and fell in love. After just dating for 2 months, the dude proposed to Isabel, and promised her he would take care of her for the rest of his life and all this other lovey-dovey shit. Blinded by love, Isabel just could not (and would not) see this as a line to just get into her size 0 jeans.

Anyways, about a month ago (early August), Isabel wrote me an email and said:

"i think its time for us to forget the past and be friends. i dont mean best friends because i dont think we can ever get into that stage again but we can be friends and hang out for one last time b4 i leave this town. i am moving to lake tahoe, california. yes david, i am leaving tucson in 2 weeks because i am getting married. i hope u get this message within 2 weeks so u can call me and we can hang out ONE LAST TIME. i dont mean hang out and argue...just hang out and socialize like the socialites we are. ;)"

Of course, two weeks went by and no wedding bells were rung. Which wasnt exactly a big shocker. And I doubt they will ever ring for Isabel and that dude. I'm not saying it to be mean or anything, but, well...the dude, told her he couldnt go through with the wedding and told her to just move on with her life. Yeah, I know. Way harsh. So Isabel did what any respectful neice of a Mexican drug lord would do...she flew the coop to Mexico to recover from her post-traumatic stress.

And now that I think about it, I think maybe going to court wont be so hard. I cant believe I'm saying this, but maybe I should go to court and face the judge. The only question now is...what do I wear?