breaking up is the easiest thing to do

Gwen broke up with her boyfriend. That's right, the spiteful and jealous coffee manager of Mike's Coffee & Tea with the cancer-lung boyfriend, is now single. When the news first broke, I couldn't believe it. After all, breaking up with someone is never easy. There's all those feelings and the pointing of the finger and...it's just really messy. Especially when one party is dying. But somehow, Gwen did it without any guilt. Soon after, Gwen began to have a reoccurring dream. A dream that featured...me.

Gwen and I travel through the woods, for no apparent reason, when all of a sudden, a very large and frightening thing is heard in the distance, coming towards us. So, we find these baskets, that are conveniently located at the river's edge, get inside and float down with the current. Just like Moses. But unlike Moses, we never get discovered by Egyptian royalty, because at that exact moment, Gwen wakes up.

When Gwen told me about her week-long dream, I had no idea how to interpret such a dream, so I just smiled, nodded, and pretended I understood every word. That's what you have to do, whenever someone tells you something that leaves you confused and bewildered. Like when you're told you're influence is affecting a friendship.

It was a regular Friday night and my friends Hadassah and Guy invited me to the Arizona IceCats Hockey team. I'm not really a big fan of hockey, but when Hadassah and Guy explained that it was a great place that encouraged excessive drinking with outrageous insults, I was in. I don't really remember how the game went, since apparently no one really watches the sport, but rather uses the time to catch up with old friends on old times. After the game, we went back to a friend's house where one of Hadassah's friends, Shelly, confronted me about my influence over her old friend. According to Shelly, ever since Hadassah had been hanging out with me, she was a new person...Haute-dassah She wasn't partying as much and was even turning down mid-week party invitations, to study and do schoolwork. She began to incorporate designer pieces into her wardrobe, trading in her Vans for Versace and her Dickies for Dior. She even began to see the benefits of going to the theatre, museums and other cultural experiences. And it made Shelly feel she was losing a friend.

If Shelly was looking for an apology, she wasn't going to get one. What was I gonna say? "Sorry you don't go to school and barely work part time at the Cluck N' Chuck, but I will try and get Hadassah to stop working so hard so you guys can party..."?! Hadassah was growing up. She wasn't cashing in her paychecks for weekly booze fests and when she realized being a young professional in the real estate business also meant, looking the part, she had to ditch her old style. She was still the same person, but just a little bit older and little more wiser. Then the big blow really came. Shelly asked/pleaded me if I could see less of Hadassah. Basically, she wanted me to break-up with a friend. And I couldn't do that. Shelly made it seem as if ending the friendship would be the easiest thing to do and even had a basic outline on how to do it. I was in shock, but didn't show it, since I really had no way of going about the situation. I felt as if I should tell someone, but who? Shelly was friends with everyone at the party and probably possessed the power to turn them all against me with a raised eyebrow and Hadassah and Guy were off in some room making out like drunken sorority girls.

I had to tell somebody. It's bad when you keep bad issues and concerns inside of you, because you then become a ticking time bomb and at the most unexpected moment, you explode. Like a marriage, for example. If you have a problem with your spouse, you should talk to them. It's the only way they'll know something is bothering you...besides the obvious subtle hints. I thought my boss Alice knew that. But apparently, not. She came into work the other day, about an hour before we even opened, with red eyes and a sniffling nose. She claimed it was allergies, but I knew it was something else. And my suspicions were confirmed after Alice left work, leaving her email on the computer. I know she left it there for me to see, since before she left, she went straight to her email account and opened up the sent email.

I will be at Aubrey's recital from 6-7. At that time, I want you to get all your shit out of my house. I don't want you there anymore. You have taken advantage me for the last time. Never again. I try not to be a nagging wife, but you have been given too much freedom. You never listen to me. You constantly put your friends before me and our kids. You spend more time with your friends and just visit your kids. Our kids are beautiful and great, but you will never know that because you never spend time with them. And I will make sure you never see them again. They don't deserve to be hurt over and over again. You spend more time talking with your friends, hanging out with your friends and you would rather spend the night on their couch at their apartments then be at home with your wife. You even invite them to our house for dinner ON OUR ANNIVERSARY!!! I feel like a single parent while you are nothing more than the guy who gives me money. We are nothing more than roommates who fuck. Don't get me wrong, the sex is great, but I need MORE than a nightly fuck. I NEED A HUSBAND. Our family needs a man to be there with us all the time, not just some of the time. I don't love you anymore. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Goodbye.

a family affair

A couple months ago, I talked about my Aunt Cassandra who was arrested for being a drug mule and went to jail, leaving her two children in the care of our family. It was an unexpected twist of events, and thankfully, it lasted for only two weeks. Somewhere a judge took pity on my aunt and released her from a lifetime of wearing an unflattering orange jumpsuit, on the promise that she would never transport drugs from one cartel to the next. And so far, Cassandra was true to her word. Unfortunately, there was another judge, who reopened her case, and after a thorough review, decided she wasn’t punished enough. She has a court date on the 15th to decide if whether or not she will spend this Christmas and the next few with her family and children or with another gay-for-the-stay jail mate.

And while my family waits for the outcome of my aunt’s trial, we’re also waiting for the outcome of my mother’s cousin’s failing health. Having been a heavy alcoholic and heavy smoker all his life, Tio Chuy was now temporarily situated at the University Medical Center, because of a hole in his intestine and his kidneys and liver giving out on him. I’ll admit, I wasn’t too shocked that Tio Chuy’s abusive lifestyle landed him in the hospital, but what did shock me was that everyone around me all said the same thing: “It came as a surprise.” God, was I the only one that read the Surgeon General’s warning or the caution label posted on every cigarette packet and alcohol bottle in America? And even though it was heart-wrenching to see him laid up on the hospital bed, tubes coming out of every orifice, it was even more gut-wrenching to see a picture of him laying next to me at our family’s Thanksgiving Dinner.

That’s right. The Tellez clan has had their Thanksgiving Dinner. One my Tio Chuy’s last dying request was that he go hunting one last time with my grandfather and my other uncles. Since no one in my family can really take time off until Thanksgiving week, that’s when they’re going, prompting my family to bump our annual dinner, 19 days prior. And if it wasn’t bad enough sitting next to a picture of a half-dead relative, I also had to sit across from my great-aunt Leti, who was now a card-carrying member of the amputee club.

A couple weeks back, my great aunt Leti , who is a diabetic, cut herself on her leg and didn’t really give it a second thought as she cleaned her wound. Unfortunately, it was that second thought that could have saved her limb. And now, her leg stub was staring at me all through dinner. Between the photograph and the leg, I couldn’t decide which was worse and so I ate very little. There was just too much on my mind, including my own problems.

The other day, my mother decided to clean my room. She called me, with the odd request, while I was at work, and though I tried to discourage her from entering my private quarters, she insisted. I was helpless. Even if I left work at that exact moment in time, I would never be able to stop her from finding what she found. Condoms. Handcuffs. Chocolate body paint. Half-empty bottles of alcohol. I could go on, but that’s not the point. The point is, discovering these very items that were well-hidden within my room, led my mother to have a full-heart attack. She was outraged at what she found, and I was outraged to discover, she not only went through all my personal stuff, she rearranged my entire room and left my room a bigger mess than it already was. And she refused to clean the mess. My dad gave me until the end of the week to clean up everything or else, he threatened to throw away and burn all my clothes. Both my parents had undoubtedly turned certifiably insane. According to my mother, I had brought “evil” into the house and she even threatened to call the cops on me for bringing “illegal substance onto her private property.” I knew they couldn’t do anything, so I told her to call them, which only enraged her more.

So now, I have to move. I cant stay an a house that’s so inhibited and controlling. My only question is…how do I start?

co-ed concerns

Yesterday, I got the weirdest piece of mail. Well, it wasnt so much weird, as that it made people all around me weird. It was my very first Baby Shower Invitation. For years, pregnant women and their friends have gathered in circles to celebrate the birth of a new baby, "showering" the mother-to-be with gifts. But today, what used to be a sacred gathering of women, apparently has now transformed into a mixer for co-eds. And it's getting everyone riled up.

For traditional people who are stuck in the old ways, like my mother, a co-ed baby shower deplores the sactinity and honor of a baby shower. Having never been to one of these shindigs, I didnt get what the big deal was. A party's, a party, whether you're a guy, a girl or knocked up. Right? At least, that's what I used to think. But for some, co-ed things are just not acceptable when it comes to certain things. Take my photographer, Bill, for example.

Bill was the photographer that was assigned to me by my magazine, and apparently, this 30-something was very conservative. One of my first pieces was supposed to cover the nightclub Pearl, Tucson's first Las Vegas-style nightclub, that boasted a full concerige and limosuine service, an exotic, relaxing and romantic Asian restaurant and a grand omnisex bathroom. And it was because of this grand omnisex bathroom, that Bill had second thoughts and concerns about featuring the club in the premiere issue of the magazine. Would the advertisers be offended for running their ads next to a story where boys and girls peed and pooped in harmony? I dont know.

In my humble opinion, I think featuring the nightclub would be a great story, in the sense that if Tucson was heading in the direction of having omnisex bathrooms in its nightlclubs, wouldnt it be the responsibility of a supposed "leading-edge" magazine to feature such a contemporary place? Since Bill had voiced his opinions to my editor, I voiced mine as well, but in the end, traditon won over contemporary. So now, I have to write about a winehouse. Which isnt bad, since I found out that Arizona is becoming one of the fastest growing wine brewing places in the country. But still. It's no VIP in a nightclub.

Is it just me, or is co-ed, something of the future and something that we ultimately have to get used to? I mean, if the people who are experiencing it are OK with it, then what's the big deal?