the short end of the long truth

The other day, the sun came out and the entire city was drenched by the warm glow of a February sun. The snow began to melt, leaving behind grungy-looking snow, and allowed all green and human life to finally come out of its winter hiding place. It was a sure sign, that the city streets and sidewalks would soon be filled with people. And maybe this time, with everything and everyone out in the open, it would be much easier to meet people, unlike my previous experience.

I walked down North Avenue and headed west to the lake, also known as Lake Michigan. It was such a perfect day. I could already see myself sipping an insulated cup of white mocha while walking down the path that followed the river and having one of those worldly intellectual thoughts that are usually reserved for the hero of a critically acclaimed, Hollywood movie. So, I made a quick stop at Alterra, a local coffee shop, housed in the historic Milwaukee River Flushing Station. That's when some random guy told me they knew I wasn't from around here. I didn't know whether this was a compliment or a diss, but I was rocking out my new vintage, navy blue peacoat I picked up in Chicago, so I knew I looked good, either way.

His name was Sydney and he was a speech and linguistics major and when he heard me say "milk" instead of "melk" like so many Milwaukee-ians do, he knew I wasn't from around these parts. I agreed and told him "Wis-can-sin" was not my home of origin and we just started talking. Apart from having a degree in linguistics, he was also a bakery manager for a locally owned supermarket and a budding Hollywood screenwriter.

The last one totally made me roll my eyes, too. One opinion published in a local newspaper, and soon everyone thinks they're a writer destined for Hollywood. But as it turns out, Sydney actually was. He started writing a story about a guy named Helmut, that he met online through a dare, who in the course of four months changed his life altogether. They never met in person, since they were cities, almost world's apart, but they ended up becoming best friends, before Helmut died of pancreatic cancer. Before he died, Helmut told Sydney a story worthy of an Aaron Spelling soap opera: his mother was a prostitute and because of her busy and odd hours, he became a father to his baby sister, who died when she was only nine and then, when his mother was no longer of an attractive and desirable age, she allowed her landlord/lover to have his way with Helmut in lieu of rent, before the landlord/lover became angry and hung her to death in the bathroom, before he himself was shot to death by Helmut who witnessed the whole thing and did it out of self-defense, before the police unloaded their guns into his body, which resulted in a blotched surgery that may or may not have resulted to his cancer. I counted at least a dozen bewildered looks from customers who passed by, as Sydney told his story.

At first, Sydney wrote the story for himself. Then he shared it with friends who in turned shared it with their friends. Before long, the story made its way to an agent who immediately got in touch with Sydney and suggested he sell his story to a movie studio, before turning it into a book. Twelve film directors and three screenwriters later, Sydney was a mere touch away from finally having his story put onto the silver screen, but like all things in the glamorous world of Hollywood, these things take time.

I, of course, took everything he said, with a proverbial grain of salt, because who can really believe everything they hear? Take me, for example. You know my old boss, Alice? The one whose husband, Azten was arrested last March for allegedly being involved in a double homicide, so while he waited in jail for a trial, she was busy raising two daughters and gave birth to their first baby boy five months later, before she stiffed me out my paychecks, purposely ruined my credit and ultimately laid me off right before the holidays, all because she refused to stop living the costly lifestyle she had become accustomed to? Yeah, that one? Well, believe it and the update:

Azten was found guilty. On both counts of murder. A friend of a friend who was the present sheriff in the courtroom told me, officials played recorded phone calls that had Azten telling Alice what her alibi should be and what their friend's alibi's should be. Guess both Azten and Alice didn't know prison phone calls were personal. But the pieces fell even before then, during a climatic moment when Azten's mistress took the stand and gave the exact alibi, verbatim, that Azten told Alice to tell their friend. Even if he was innocent, the fact that Azten had people lie on oath for him, with undeniable evidence, was enough for the judge to give him two life terms for each murder, with the possibility of parole after a twenty five year period. His life is over. Even if he does get out after twenty five years, he'll be over 60 years old, with a damaging record that will most likely prevent him from holding a substantial job position and his family, especially his son, will never recognize him as an outstanding father.

But besides the incriminating phone records, there was also the blatant fact that the flower shop his wife ran and that I used to work for, was actually a front for his real-life drug business. No joke. A small part came out during the trial, but was thrown out for irrelevance in the shootings. And though it was small, it was still big to me. All at once, I remembered that there were a few shady characters from time to time that came in asking for Azten or Alice, but then again, the flower shop was located downtown, which is home to some of the most colorful characters a city could ever have. But shady enough to be involved with drugs? Sure, I joked about it with friends when we had roses flown in specifically from Brazil, but who knew the jokes held some truth?

how to succeed in friendship without really trying

When it comes to making new friends, it's not so different or outside the realm of dating. In both scenarios, you're dealing with the same thing; you're meeting new people, hoping to find a common interest that will allow you to forge a relationship with that person and have them in your life for a period of time. The only difference is, you hope to go home with one of them, at the end of the night. Well, maybe both, but as Harry and Sally once showed us, it's never a good idea to sleep with friends. And if someone like Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, can find someone, then so should I.

I took a lot of your guys' advice and decided to just put myself out there, fully and completely. I was going to go to a pub and just sit there all day, despite having to inhale copious amounts of second hand smoke, because, really, what's the use of breathing good, clean, fresh air, if you have to do it all alone? I even had a day picked out: Friday, a day when people are looking to unwind and welcome a stress-free, relaxing weekend.

They say the key to finding someone or something you really want, is prospecting. Good business people know that and that's why they're so successful. So, by implementing my new business strategy, I was ready to go out and find some strangers who were a drink, a laugh, and an inappropriate touch away from being a friend.

But then, my plans at the very last minute, when my manager, Blu, asked Gwen and I to take a trip out to the Windy City, Chicago, and pick up some items for the store. Being only 95 miles away, the drive wasn't that long, but neither was the day. There was so much to do, so much to see, and not enough time to do it all. But we did manage to squeeze in a drive-by to the Harpo Studios and enjoy an entire large Chicago- style deep dish pizza at the world-famous, Lou Malnati's Pizzeria. And while enjoying the city that brought us all that jazz, I used my business strategy to talk to everyone and ended up getting a phone number to hang out later that night. Of course, I wouldn't use it, because I'm looking for more local friends, but at least I was on the right track.

That night, it snowed. And in the morning, a sparkling blanket of white snow welcomed everyone in Milwaukee, starting off one of the most cheesiest and romantically inclined day of the year on a high note. Anything and everything seemed possible. Like making a new friend. And that's just what I did as I made my way through the city. And while walking through my new neighborhood, someone approached me. Guess she saw a possible friend in the making.

Turns out, she wasn't. Her name was Brihanna and somehow, with tears in her eyes and runny mucas in her nose, she told me she had just had her boyfriend arrested for kicking and going all Chris Brown on her and had absolutely no means of getting back home to her two-year-old. She offered to sell me her cell phone for money, but I haven't carried cash since Visa foolishly allowed me into their Platinum Status club. So, instead I asked her if she wanted to go to KFC and talk about it. Normally, KFC wouldn't be my first choice in comfort food, but it was just down the street and chicken fried in 11 herbs and spices did sound good.

After chicken and chatting, I made a new friend. A drama queen, but a friend nonetheless. I left Brihanna with $10 and my email and told her I hoped she found her way back home. A couple hours later, Gwen came home and I was so excited to tell her about finding a new friend. But Gwen wasn't interested in my story, because some random girl came out of an alleyway, crying and telling her that she just had her boyfriend arrested for kicking and going all Chris Brown on her and had absolutely no means of getting back home to her two-year-old. She even offered Gwen, her cell phone for money...and that's when I knew I befriended a crackhead. After moving here, we were told by people that the area of town we moved into, Riverwest, used to be an old crack neighborhood, but was now up and coming with artists and musicians. Guess, they all haven't moved out yet and I guess I'll keep on looking.

you don't got a friend in me

When you decide to move to a new city and leave behind everything and everyone you know, the hardest thing to do isn't finding out who has the best late night Chinese food or finding out where the hottest place to be on Saturday night is. No. The hardest thing to do is making new friends.

Sure, I don't really need new friends, since my old friends back home will always be there for me, but it's not the same when you can only talk to them through a web cam or the phone. As a society, we need human interaction. Yes, to the non-socializers, being able to be alone with one's thoughts has immense appeal, but it's not enough to survive and grow as a person.

The only thing is, I don't know how to make a new friend. Before, in the past, I made new friends through school, work, that sorta thing. And before then, it was even easier when you just had to go up someone on the playground and tell them they would be your "best-est friend". But now, as an adult? It just gets harder. Especially in a city like Milwaukee.

During my brief stint of living here, I've come to the conclusion that there are two types of people living in this city. People that were born here and continue to live here and the people who moved to live here. The latter are really friendly and open to meeting new people, but the former, who are friendly as well, are very clique-y and their friendliness is just for show. For them, it seems that their lives are set. As if they've accepted that along with their native friends, they were born into the cold, will live in the cold and die with the cold.

My suspicions were confirmed, last Saturday night when my roommate Gwen and I went to the über edgy sports bar, Zim's, a sports bar that had every one of its plasma flat screen TV's on mute, so as not to disturb the pulsating club music playing through the sound system. It was there that we met Christy, a thirtysomething friend of a friend that knew Gwen. Christy moved to the city over a decade ago, when she decided to follow her heart and marry her college sweetheart, which resulted in a baby girl and a divorce. Gwen gave us the low down of the city, from how low the crime rate has dropped, to where to get the best sushi. It was a crash course in Milwaukee 101, which even included my theory of Milwaukee natives and non-natives.Turns out I was right.

Which makes sense, if you think about the people Gwen and I have met. There's, Sara, who grew up in Michigan and went to the University of Arizona for her bachelor's degree in Child Pyschology. There's Adam, who grew up in Atlanta and attended college with Sara at the U of A, and his girlfriend Beth, who grew up in Boston and now studies law at the University of Wisconsin. Then, there's the infamous Jack, who grew up in Milwaukee and went to school in Atlanta with a friend who knows Adam, but recently moved back to Milwaukee to work for his father's advertising company. Out of all our new friends, guess which one is the least friendliest?

Sure, Jack and Gwen share a recent history of a one-night stand gone horribly wrong (on Gwen's part, anyways), which could explain the cold shoulder and the slim possibilty of Jack becoming our friend. However, a week after bumping their uglies together, Jack started texting Gwen. Short, simple texts, with an occasional phone call that asked how her day was going, how work was going, yada, yada, yada. The text messages then evolved into future plans, like asking Gwen out for dinner or just to hang out, but each and every time, Jack cancels, saying "a friend dropped by unexpectedly" or "I'm so wiped." And each and every time, Gwen, who puts so much hope and emotion into each and every text message, becomes devastatingly crushed.

So, now, I am on a quest to find some new friends, preferably ones that aren't drama. The only problem, is, how? I'm not working yet, since the store isn't open yet, it's too late to sign up for classes at the university and too cold to meet anyone on the street. Craigslist? M seeking M/W, platonically?

...and the drama continues

So if dealing with a roommate who doesn't understand the concept of a one-night stand isn't enough drama, there's the case of the clueless boss.

Her name is Blu and according to my friend Hadassah, she is the black sheep of the Lightyear family. The Lightyear family has had a long tradition of being one of the wealthiest families back home in Tucson with coffee and business real estate enterprises. Their oldest daughter Blu, who used to be a Wicca-practicing, lesbian, left Tucson 10 years ago to Milwaukee, her family's original home. Since then, she's stopped practicing magic and lesbianism and married a advertising web developer guy named Reese, with whom she has two kids.

Back in Tucson, Blu used to work at Buffalo Exchange, a retail clothing store that bought new, gently used, and vintage clothing from people and resold it in their store. She had always loved the concept of the store and knew it would be a big hit in a college city like Milwaukee. So, with her friend Flower, Blu decided to open up a used clothing/consignment store. Originally, she decided to go to a bank and take out a small business loan. But then, her grandfather, the patriarch of the elusive Lightyear family caught wind of her business plan and decided to help out as a silent partner.

He helped out so much, in fact, that his "voice" became louder and the store project became a personal project, one that the whole family could get involved. Blu's concept of a funky, one-of-a-kind retail store became lost and the whole project became commercial, with Susan, Blu's interior decorator sister, spending close to $19,000 in lighting alone. Yeah. $19,000.

Blu took a giant step back and watched her dream store become into something else. Something, she just could not be a part of. I asked Blu why she stayed so quiet and didn't go to her grandfather to tell him he was taking over more than a silent partner should. That's when she revealed to me and Gwen that her Grandfather was broke. He had filed for personal and business bankruptcy and only had about $20,000 left to his name. The Lightyear dynasty was slowly coming to an end. The reason Blu's grandfather had taken so much interest in the store was because he had decided he didn't want to end his life with a series of failures. All the businesses he had created his whole life were now gone and if he could end with one last hurrah, maybe he wouldn't be such a failure after all.

So, Gwen and I decided to encourage Blu to take a stand against her grandfather. We told her, that if the store didn't have a spirit, there would be no way it would flourish. It's my personal belief, that in order for a small business to be successful, you have to believe whole heartedly in what you're selling. All your time and energy is crucial in the first few months, because if a business doesn't have heart or passion, then it's just a building full of stuff, that will go nowhere.

Now, Gwen and I regret our decision.

After having a series of conversations with her grandfather, Blu has fully stepped back into the store project and has seem to forgotten about me and Gwen. On several occassions, she has left my name out when talking to Gwen about setting up a work schedule, while standing in front of me. She's even went out and hired a new employee, because she looked "so artsy and cool." I was told, that since the store is just starting out, it would only have five employees, but now, with this sixth member, I hope it doesn't mean cut hours. The biggest blow came, when she questioned me about my fashion choice selections, as if reading GQ was so passe and How to Make Clothes Out of Hemp 101 was in. She even talked to Gwen about relocating her in three months to open up a new store in Madison, Wisconsin or even Atlanta, Georgia which has stressed Gwen out even more, because she feels as if Blu is trying to phase her out of the store as a manager of the store. Considering the fact that we both moved across the country, leaving behind everyone and everything we know, it's a little scary.

The way Blu acts and says things, is very mind boggling. Hadassah says, her brain isn't all there since the drug usage she did in her teens affected the way she thinks today. She assured me, the fact that the grandfather took over, was a sign that everyone in the Lightyear family knew she couldn't pull off running a successful business. That's why they sent me and Gwen. She assured me, Gwen and I needn't worry and that we would still have jobs. But if that's true, why do I still have this uneasy feeling in my stomach? I already dealt with one employer who filed for bankruptcy, and we all know how that turned out. I'm just wondering if this is my sign to leave or my chance to show my courage?

text and the single girl

One of the things I promised myself, when I moved to Milwaukee was to shop locally. Buy produce from this farmer, buy a loaf of bread from this baker, that sorta thing. Just like they do in the unrealistic movies and television shows about single people living in a city. And what's nice about living in an up and coming neighborhood in Milwaukee, is that, everything is within walking distance. The only thing is, since I've never really shopped for groceries, I don't know how much of what, I should buy or keep stocked.

Thankfully, Gwen, being a single apartment dweller for a few years knew exactly what to buy and even managed to show me a few new things. Like how to make stir fry on a modest budget, how to incorporate pasta into every meal and the many uses for baguette bread. Apparently, not only is it good with a plate of various cheeses, but it seems, a baguette is good for bagging men who want absolutely nothing to do with you. And that's just what she did the other night.

After spending the night with Jack, Gwen returned to the apartment with a look of bliss on her face. Somebody obviously got laid. And what should have been a one time, simple night of lust, turned into a week of insanity. It started when Jack drove Gwen home and became livid, when she couldn't remember the exact directions back home. That should have been the first sign, that their dirty deed was nothing more than a one-night stand and that he simply was not interested. But to Gwen, it wasn't so obvious.

She kept texting, leaving voicemails, even sending a couple of emails, all to no avail. Why won't he call me back, she kept saying. I, along with many sexually, single active adults in the world knew that it was a one night stand, nothing more, nothing less. But to Gwen it made no sense. She couldn't understand why he made plans with her to meet up for dinners and peruse through art fairs and museums, even after they had sex.

I explained it was just a guy thing. He faked a future to get what he wanted in the present. Though the whole doing it after sex, was completely bizarre and new to me. I felt bad for Gwen. It's never good to be on the bad end of a one night stand and despite the fact that she did it with someone she barely knew, I still felt bad for her. Especially since she became an emotional wreck. She ignored my advice of forgetting Jack and walking away with what little dignity she had left. Instead, she sent another text:

"Hey Jack. It's me. Are you free tonight? I'd like to make you dinner, so let me know!"

It was so clingy, so pathetic, I could barely read the text without rolling my eyes and wonder how I was living with a desperate and needy person. And to think, I actually thought she was once cute. Ah, so young, so naive.

"Hey. Can't tonight. I'm gonna eat leftovers and then maybe go back to work. Some other time?"

It couldn't have been more obvious, than if he had painted the text on a brick wall and Gwen ran into it. What was she not getting? He's. Not. Interested. Was I seriously the only one that understood this? Later that night, Gwen decided to go to the store alone, claiming she needed to learn how to set up the clothing racks, before we opened and took with her, a light Parisian meal of grapes, cheese, prosciutto and of course, a baguette. While there, she text Jack again, saying she was by herself, at the store and had "a light meal for two". He, of course, came up with a lame excuse and passed on her dinner.

I'm starting to think, I should monitor her text messages.

the milwaukee blues

So, it's officially been one week that I moved out of my house, flew over 1800 miles to a new city and started a new life in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

I LOVE this city!

There are churches with tall steeples and local breweries on almost every corner. The houses all have tiny porches, with ornate wood details and a blanket of white, sparkling snow covers everything. The French, German, and Dutch influences on the architecture really make the city picturesque and idyllic, as if Walt Disney himself had designed it all for an unnamed themed land in one of his parks. And the weather isn't so bad. I really thought, that being a child of the desert, my body would go into shock and I would end up looking like Jack Dawson in that frozen ocean scene from Titanic, with blue-tinted skin and tiny, frozen icicles in my hair. But so far I'm good.

Our little apartment, is exactly just that - little. My old bedroom was as big as our living room, our sun room and my new bedroom combined. Now? It's this tiny square-looking thing with a tiny radiator and a tall window that faces a brick wall. Yet, somehow? I absolutely love it! I dont know it's the old-fashioned claw foot bathtub, or the tiny kitchen with the gas stove or how our back door leads down a flight of steps into a big backyard of soft white snow, or the simple fact that it's my apartment, but I absolutely love it all!

Gwen, the old manager from the coffee shop across my old job and the new manager of the store that I'm working for, had been living in the apartment already for a week, when I got there. The temperature was well into the negative territory, so her exploration of the city had been very limited. But after I arrived, the weather cleared and the city of beer and cheese was our oyster! We discovered local farmer markets and local breweries, like Lakefront Brewery, that had magnificently tasting beer. I, myself, have never preferred the taste of beer, thinking it was nothing more than bottled piss, but the beer here is actually flavorful and delicious. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's made in smaller quantities and doesn't need to have so many perservatives to last longer.

And thanks to the magic of beer, Gwen and I have made new friends; Sara and Jack. Sara grew up in Michigan and attended the University of Arizona back home, while Jack grew up in Milwaukee and recently just moved back after graduating from a school in Atlanta with a friend who knew both Gwen and Sara. If it was a movie, a director would have deemed the moment too coincidental for the film, but this was real life, and as we all know, life is a series of coincidences. The only thing that worries me about our new friends is, how determined Jack seems to be, in getting with Gwen and how easily Gwen is falling under his ruse.

Back in Tucson, Gwen left behind her boyfriend Ron of four years. She confided in me the other night that she didn't think her relationship with Ron would work out since long distance things never do. Gwen had no idea when she would return and when they parted, she left with the idea that her relationship with Ron had run its course and that they were no longer bound to each other. Ron, on the other hand, parted with the idea that the distance between them would make their hearts grow fonder and told everyone he knew in Tucson that the moment Gwen returned, he would propose. Gwen knew about his proposal, but ignored it. The very idea that someone back home was waiting for me to return and start a whole new life with them would have sent my heart soaring. But instead, it made Gwen run - run into the arms of Jack. And after a light dinner at Stonefly Brewery with our new friends, that's exactly what Gwen did, after she asked me if I had my house keys.

I was left to walk the block back to our home. Ultimately, it was Gwen's decision on how she chose to live her life, since I certainly cannot tell her who she can and can't see, but I couldn't help but think she was making a very terrible and very irreversible choice. And then it hit me. I'm an adult. A full-grown, tax-paying, choice-making, living-on-my-own adult. No more will I wake up again in my bed and see my family at the breakfast table. No more will I come home after school or work and ask my mom what's for dinner. I'm on my own now. I'll be making my own choices, my own decisions, because thats what adults like Gwen do in the real world. I guess a part of me knew this all along, but I never fully realized it until now. Kinda like when you hear that your favorite store is having a sale, but you never realize how good the sale is until you come home with bags after bags of new clothes.

I'm gonna be meeting new and different people and forming new and different relationships with them. Some of those relationships may fade, but some will last. And from those relationships that last, one will stick out more than the others and with it I'll be starting my own family, because that's how life goes. Gwen said people meet other people during the course of their life and form new relationships and ultimately change is inevitable. It was a true statement, but the boldness of it made me realize that the lives of my friends and family would move on without me.

I'm not a child anymore. I'm all grown up. And part of me wishes I could die right now, that way I can be forever young and have my life be just as it is, no more, no less. Just like James Dean. But then another part of me wants to see what the future has in store for me. To see where I'm going and how I get there. Everyone always talks about how liberating it is to be on your own, but no one ever mentions fear. The fear of realizing everything and everyone around you is changing and I know it sounds funny right now, but a part of me wishes my mom had fought harder to keep me in Tucson and a part of me wishes I would have actually listened.

Why is it that everyone around me seems to be able to move on to bigger and better things, yet I can't seem to just simply move? How does everyone do it? How does everyone make that transition into adulthood so smoothly? Is it just a facade of keeping up appearances or what? Because sometimes I do feel like a kid who's pretending to be an adult, just waiting for the red, velvet curtains to close the stage and end the play. Yet, I know, this isn't a play. This is real life. Am I just not as ready as I thought I was?

schlemiel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated

Somewhere, at an airport terminal in Texas, a young and wide-eyed traveler, ready to take on the world, but carrying way too much luggage, awaited his American Airline flight which would take him to Milwaukee and ultimately, his destiny.

That traveler, of course, is me.

In a mere matter of hours I will be in Milwaukee. Gwen, my new roommate, says an arctic blizzard is supposed to hit the area pretty soon. Hopefully it hits after I'm safe on the ground. Until then, I'm stuck waiting. Too bad my terminal isn't as fun as the one in the video, below.

Cool, huh? Is it just me, or do airport terminals seem like the first day of high school? You got the travelers who travel all around the world and know their way in and out, without missing a beat. They're the seniors. Then you got the freshman travelers who've never flown before and walk around with a scared and worried look, and continually look at their itineraries. Then you got the travelers like me. The ones who know just enough, to know what to expect and how to get where there going.

And I mean that both literally and figuratively. I don't know what Milwaukee has in store for me, but I know that if the people in Wisconsin really do talk like this, then I am going to have fun!

And for your consideration, I'm including some downloadable songs from an airplane mp3 mix a friend made for me. Maddie...the first one's for you.

1. For Good - LeAnn Rimes & Delta Goodrem
2. Twentysomething - Jamie Cullum
3. Purpose - The Original Broadway Cast of Avenue Q
4. Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
5. Don't Stop Believing - Journey
6. Come Fly With Me - Michael Bublé
7. Leaving On A Jet Plane - Chantal Kreviazuk
8. Leavin' - Jag Star
9. Learning To Fly - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
10. I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - Aerosmith
11. Moon River - Patty Griffin
12. Man From Milwaukee - Hanson
13. Love Is All Around - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
14. Making Our Dreams Come True - Cyndi Grecco (Theme from Laverne & Shirley)
15. Top Of The World - The Pussycat Dolls

decisions, decisions

Yesterday, I bought my plane ticket for Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I leave this Sunday! I contemplated whether or not I would arrive by plane or by train, and in the end, I decided a plane would be best, so I could have more time to be with the people I love.

And just as I was putting the final touches to my soon-to-be new life, another life was just ending. No sooner had I just finished reading my itenerary, then my grandma called. Someone close to our family had died. The lady that raised her step-brothers (my mom's step-uncles) had a stroke and died.

My grandma was in tears, and along with her broken English, it made it nearly impossible to understand her. But my aunts called soon after and that's when I learned an emergency family trip was being planned to El Paso, Texas for a weekend memorial/funeral service.

I only met the deceased once, when I was a mere child, so I don't have any memories of her. But now? Now that she's taking my family away from me to be with her, on my last weekend in Tucson? Well...one thing's for sure. I will remember this weekend for years to come.

I have until this evening to decide if I'm gonna stay in Tucson until Sunday or leave with my family to Texas and take a plane there to Milwaukee...

And just in case, any of you wondering, this is the current temperature in my new home.

goodbye home, hello unknown

The other day, I received a letter from my dad. I had spoken to him the day before, so it was a bit of a surprise to "hear" from again so soon. But it was a good surprise. Especially since he wrote me something, I needed to hear:

"It seems like you were always independent. Me and your mom gave you all the space you needed and tried to support you with your events that you enjoyed to do. David, me and your mom will always try to be there for you and will always love you. We want you to be happy whatever you may go on to do, just be careful in your choices."

Soon after I read the letter, my mom came home from work and told me that seeing me pack up all my belongings with total confidence gave her peace and comfort that I will be alright in a new city, all by myself. It was completely out of the blue and unexpected, but it's what I needed.

It hasn't phased me that in a few days time I will be leaving to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I'm leaving everything and everyone I know to live a life of unknowns. It's a little weird. And truth be told? I'm a little scared. I've never done anything like this before and I still do wonder if I'm doing the right thing or making the biggest regret of my life. But it's that little doubt in my head, that keeps me going and doing what I'm doing. My bags are packed, I'm ready to go. And luckily, my first unemployment check just came in. All I have to do now is decide on a date of when I want to move in, just so long as it's between next Saturday and February 15, when the store opens. After that, it's goodbye home, hello unknown!

the move

Since the beginning of time, there comes a moment that has been repeated in all species of the animal kingdom. That moment when the fledgling tries it's wings and flies away from the nest. In all corners of the globe, though the destination of the fledgling may be different, the scene and the motivation is the same: independence.

And that's exactly why I have been packing up my stuff for the past few days. Independence. So, it looks like I will be leaving Tucson and start a new life in Milwaukee, Wisconsin as a clothing buyer for a new store. And it hasn't been easy. But not for reasons, you may believe.

My mother has decided to go on a non-stop rampage to try and stop me from going to Milwaukee. Like, the other day, for example: I was packing up a box with all my personal belongings and was just finishing with the first layer of packing tape, when all of a sudden my mother freaks out about the tape I was using.

"What are you doing?! You're using very expensive carpet tape to tape your boxes?! No! Absolutely not! That tape is very expensive and very hard to find! No, I am sorry, but, you cannot use any more!"

Who knew we had priceless, expensive tape laying around in our house? Priceless tape that could not be purchased just at an ol' carpet store, you know? And I couldn't just go out and buy tape, since I am still broke and I am still waiting for my unemployment check to kick in, which has been really hard to get, since Alice, my boss, has been very uncooperative. My mother said was an obvious sign that I probably shouldn't move. If I can't afford tape, how can I afford life in another city?

The other day, she asked me if my future boss knew I wasn't a good worker. Yeah. Just like that: "Does your boss know you're not a good worker?"

I asked her what she meant by that, and apparently, she doesn't think I go the extra mile in my work. That I don't perform at an exceletory level. Ok, so "exceletory" isn't a real word, but the point still stands. She wasn't basing her bias opinion on my job performance at work. She was basing it on the work I do at home, which apparently isn't top-notch. At least, by her standards.

She's even told me, that once I'm gone she's converting my room into a family room, by knocking down the wall that's connected to the living room. More open space, as she calls it. More open space? That's what my room will be when I'm gone? Space?! Once my brother got word of her ideas, he started arguing with her claiming he was gonna make my bedroom, his, since he was the second to oldest. Then, my younger brother went off about how he was promised the bigger room when we moved again, and since I was moving, the promise still counted. My bed isn't even cold and the memory foam mattress still has my ass print on it, and already my family is fighting over my room.

Granted, it is a desirable room, because it used to be a dining room when we first moved into the house, and nobody wanted the room because it wasn't a typical "bedroom" and it had tile, not carpet, which made it less homely. Since, I was the last one to see the house, I didn't get dibs on any of the bedrooms, so I got stuck with it. And since that time, I've transformed it into a small studio apartment of sorts. I put in bookcases, a desk with a hutch, an armoir, a whole seating area with a club chairs and a big sleigh bed right in the middle. And now everyone wants it and soon every memory of me in that room will be just that - a memory.

In some twisted, demented, and deluded way, this is probably my family's way of making me give Milwaukee a second thought and to keep me from going. Especially my mother's idea. But I couldn't let her stop me. My mind was set. In fact, it's been set since December 24. That was the day I got an email with my results from the oral interview I had with the Records Specialists at the Police Department. Before opening the email, I knew I had to make a decision soon. And I chose Milwaukee. Something in my heart told me Milwaukee was for me. That it was this giant waiting room, where I had to put in my time and soon enough my name would be called and I would go on to do bigger and better things.

That's why I never opened the email. I didn't want it to make me second guess my decision. Because if I opened up that email and it said I had passed my interview and would move on to the next level, my head would battle my heart and tell me to go and I would still be no closer to coming to a decision. But now that I was at a decision, my mother was not making it any easier on me.

Is this normal parent-child behavior? I've never done this before, moving out and living on my own, and I always had this image in my head that when the time came, it would be a family-type event where everyone would help and pack and everything would be done in a few hours. Do parents really make the moving process difficult on their children?

we are a family

It came, it saw, it conquered, and before any of us knew it, Christmas was gone faster than a Keanu Reeves movie in theaters. But this year, Christmas didn't feel the same. As some of you may or may not know, my dad is currently serving a six-week tour in Iraq, which made this year's holiday season kinda... well, blah. I hardly ever ever see my dad since he's always working and my work and school schedules always seem to clash with my family's schedules. But now that I'm not working and am always home, it's weird seeing everyone in my family at various points in the day on a daily basis. Everyone, but my dad. We didn't even read the Nativity Story on Christmas Eve which is something my dad has always done, ever since I can remember. He should be back within a couple of weeks, but until then, life at home is kinda...well, blah.

On a lighter side, even though I may not have had a dad for Christmas, I did get two new step-cousins! A while back, I mentioned that my cousin Karina from San Diego had found her biological father, a policeman, who was standing on the same corner as her, waiting for the light to turn green. I don't know if it was fate that they met, but it was a prayer answered. All her life Karina had wanted brothers. I think that's why she always loved me and my brothers the most out of anyone in our family. Her mother did eventually marry someone, a lawyer from Brooklyn, who's financial advice was as bad as his pleather clothes, but all Karina got out of that marriage was a baby sister. Her mom, on the other hand, got a divorce. So, the dream of having brothers passed and life went on. Until her dad introduced her to his two sons.

She had brothers now! Marc, 23 and Raymond, 22. Raymond was older than Karina by just two months and as it turns out, they all grew up within 15-20 minutes of each other, never realizing it. Raymond and Karina attended rival high schools, so they saw each other at football games and bonfire beach parties, but never actually met. Now, they were hanging out every weekend, bonding and forging a relationship, trying to piece together parts of their family puzzle. It hasn't been a pretty puzzle (they found out, they may have a sister in Florida who looks like Karina), but it's their family puzzle.


Marc and Raymond came down this past weekend with Karina and it was fun hanging out with them, eating chicken wings, watching football games, getting drunk and going to the casinos. I never had guy cousins I could do that with. The only guy cousins I have that are close to my age live in Washington, but I haven't seen them in over 10 years. And even when I did see them, they were no fun, since they are really narcissistic and bragged about how they were gonna be the next hot model/movie star/singer, despite their lack of height, severe acne and tone-deaf ears. So, having Marc and Raymond around for a couple of days was fun, and it actually made time go by faster and helped me forget my dad was somewhere far away in a whole other world. Who knew family was the answer to your problems? Usually, they seem to be the problem, that I'm looking for an answer to. What a nice change.

'twas the blog post before christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! From my family to yours, have a safe and happy holiday and a terrific new year!

it takes a minute to think

Among the many glamorous, burger-flipping jobs I've applied for, one of them was working for the city as a Police Records Specialist. I only applied because they were looking and my wallet was empty, which seemed like the perfect match at the time. When they didn't get in contact with me after a few days, I moved on, thinking somewhere out there, a polyester-cotton blend uniform had my name on it.

A couple of weeks later, I got an email, inviting me to fill out and complete a pre-screening questionaire, so I did. And then I got invited to take a written exam at the Police Station. It was there that I learned that 181 people applied for the same job. 20 of them did not meet the qualifications and 65 of them did not return the pre-screening questionaire. 12 were temporarily disqualified and two permantently disqualified. 10 people withdrew, leaving a total of 72 people to take the test. I was in a room with 71 competitors, all wanting a chance to fill the four posisitions that were available.

Later that day, after completing the test, I received an email with the results of my test:

Congratulations, you have successfully passed the written exam for Police Records Specialist. You achieved a raw score of 143.00 correct out of 161 questions. The next step in this recruitment process is an Oral Board Interview.

It was like American Idol, only no talent required. Unless you count answering questions right a talent. And I was one of the lucky ones "going to Hollywood". So, I attended the interview without really thinking about the job or where my life could be /would be headed if I got it. And it was with that thinking that I actually had a good interview. No sweating, no stuttering, no shaking, no shitting! After the interview, I then realized I actually had a real good chance of scoring this job. A real good chance. I could actually be working for the city, working one of those jobs where I would have a desk, a computer and maybe one of those coffee cups with a funky saying like, "I'm Not A Morning Person". The only thing is, I wouldn't be starting until February. Which is when that that job in Milwaukee starts.

Leaving me with the life-changing question: Do I stay in Tucson and continue with the job recruitment process, which will undoubtedly be a secure and stable job or do I leave to Wisconsin and forge into the unknown, and follow my dreams? Not that Milwaukee holds the key to all my dreams, but I do think it is a waiting room for my dreams.

And while I make my decision, at least I have this great inspirational video to help inspire me in the meantime.

the letter

As most of you already know, for the past couple of months I've been in a struggling battle with my old boss, Alice, over un-cashed paychecks and it's not exactly a pretty thing. I've had to constantly call her to find out the status of the allegedly "struggling shop" and whether or not I can get paid. Not once has she made any effort to get in touch with me. That is, until this past Wednesday, when I received an email from Alice.

Hi David.

I don't have your home phone and want to give you some money. It's not much, but its a start. I have $60 cash for you today. I can deposit it for you. Also, which checks do you have? I have 2 here I think. Both for $231.03 each. As I keep selling things here and keep getting umc checks I'll be able to get you paid. I can pay you faster with any of the sales made here but it will be in small amounts.

I am sorry it is taking so long. Unfortunately we were not sellling enough the last few months and there was alot more money going out than coming in. I'm still negative each week, and am still playing catch up.(Even the shop phone is partly off - it goes straight to voicemail only!) But I really appreciate all the support you gave me, David, over the last couple years in trying to make the shop work. I've had way too much family drama that I ever could even image. I am sad the flower part of the store is closing but glad in a way to try to get out of the hole the flowers were putting me in. It was too stressful physically and emotionally. And I truley apprieciate your patience. I owe you more than just money...

By the way, I'm still getting tickets for Broadway shows if you want any......

I was planning on filing a small claims suit against her for all the owed money, but after receiving the email, I don't know what to think. To me, it seems like it's just too little, too late. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad she finally made the effort to get in touch with me, but I don't understand why it took so long.

Alice's husband's trial date is coming up and it will be decided then, if he is innocent in the double homicide he was allegedly involved with. If he isn't, it's more time in prison. If he is innocent, it's very likely, he will never work again, since writing "alleged double homicide" in the felony section of a job application is something most hiring managers just don't overlook. Which means Alice will be the primary income for her family and with the shop the way it is...it doesn't look good for her family. And with Christmas just a mere few days away...is this email something I can overlook?

to knit or knot?

It's been about seven weeks since I've last worked and not to complain or anything, but if anyone has a gun laying around that I can shoot myself with, I would really appreciate it.

I can't get a job for the life of me, either because I'm way too over qualified, I don't have the right amount of experience needed, or because I dress better than the hiring manager. Seriously, one of them kept asking me where I got each article of clothing and then proceeded to tell me what color they would have gotten it in and how they would have paired it with something else.

I filed for unemployment but that takes forever to kick in and I can't even file a small claims against my boss since it actually costs money to file it. Who knew it cost money to sue someone for money? Which makes me wonder how much money those people who file frivolous lawsuits have laying around.

My friend Maria heard my cries of plea and decided to pay me a visit. Only, she didn't come alone. She came with a ball of yarn and plastic sticks. Knitting needles, to be more precise.

I held the yarn and needles in my hands with as much enthusiasm and confusion as an Aboriginee looking at a blender. What was I supposed to do with it? Did she literally think I would knit?

"It's knitting needles," she said, obviously referring to the fact that I was still holding the yarn and needles like they had been dipped in radioactive goo. "I've just gotten into the whole knitting thing and it's really fun! It's helped me through studying so much because it's such a great stress reducer."

Stress reducer? More like stress inducer. Especially if you don't know how to knit. Maria tried to teach me how to knit with a little poem about sheep but it was useless because my hands we're not built to knit rows and rows of yarn. I mean, what's the point of knitting? With all the technological advances we've made to dress stylishly and comfortably, do we really need to make our own clothes and accessories out of yarn? And if so, can't we just wait for a line to come out at The Gap?

I don't know. Maybe I am too rash. What do you think? Should I give this knitting thing a shot? Does knitting really reduce stress?

songs for the season

It's December! The start of one of my favorite months! Our Christmas tree has been up since Halloween, so the platinum bells have been ringing for a while in our house. And with that in mind, I thought, for those of you who are not yet in the Holiday Spirit, I'd share with you 25 FREE downloads of my favorite Christmas songs for you and your loved ones to enjoy!


1. Faith Hill - Joy To The World!

2. Kristin Chenoweth - Do You Hear What I Hear?

3. Amy Grant - O' Come All Ye Faithful

4. Dean Martin and Martina McBride - Baby, It's Cold Outside

5. Tony Bennett - I'll Be Home For Christmas

6. Bing Crosby - Happy Holidays (Beef Wellington Remix)

7. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - Mr. Heatmiser

8. Kay Starr - I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (Stuhr Remix)

9. Bette Midler and Johnny Mathis - Winter Wonderland/Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

10. Carrie Underwood - O' Holy Night

11. Michael Bublé - White Christmas

12. Burl Ives - Silver and Gold

13. Goldfrapp - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

14. Fountains of Wayne - Valley Winter Song

15. Harry Connick Jr. - The Christmas Waltz

16. Brian Setzer Orchestra - The Nutcracker Suite

17. Ella Fitzgerald - Sleigh Ride

18. Britney Spears - My Only Wish (This Year)

19. Taylor Swift - Last Christmas

20. Disneyland's Country Bear Christmas Special - Christmas Medley

21. John Denver & The Muppets - Twelve Days of Christmas

22. K.T. Tunstall - Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian Christmas)

23. Celine Dion - The Magic of Christmas

24. Josh Groban - Silent Night

25. Kristin Chenoweth - The Lord's Prayer

thanks

It's Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving. Have you noticed this Holiday doesn't get as much hoopla as most holidays? It's because it isn't controversial! It is simply a day to give Thanks and celebrate with friends and family. Unless, of course, you're in my family.

Because my dad is leaving to Iraq for a six week tour starting tomorrow, our family has had some early Thanksgiving dinners. And at each one, people were left more disappointed than thankful.

At the first dinner, all seemed well. My cousin Karina, had taken the week off of school, flew in from San Diego and graced us not only with her presence, but with some shocking news as well. She had found her dad. What's weird about the whole thing is, she wasn't even looking for him. She was waiting at an intersection with a friend, when a policeman asked her if her name was Maria. It wasn't, but she told him her grandma's name was. And then she told him, her grandma lived in Tucson. Two and two were put together and after Karina revealed her mother's name, the policeman said, "I'm your dad."

Since finding her father, Karina has been spending a lot of time with her dad, which really stuck in her mother's craw. Which is understandable since Karina's dad left her and her mom when Karina was just a baby. No word or any sign of notice, just gone. Here one day, gone the next, leaving my aunt and cousin to fend for themselves.

And if one surprise wasn't hard to swallow, me leaving to Milwuakee, was just as hard. I thought my mom had told everybody, but I guess not. There were a few cheers, mostly jeers, all followed by tears. I couldn't possibly think about leaving Tucson. Who would say all the lame jokes and tell the bizarre stories? I didn't have an answer to any of these questions and for a brief moment, I felt sorta bad for leaving. My family did have a few points. What did I know about shopping for food or paying a utility bill? Sure, I could order decent take out, but was that enough to survive on my own?

These questions were nothing new, but I'll admit they were questions I never really gave a second thought to. I think I just got caught up in the aspect of moving and starting a whole new adventure.

On top of it all, I was actually honest with my cousin, when he asked me how I felt about his girlfriend Tori, which he did not take too kindly. I told him she was a name dropper. And a pathetic one at that.

"My mom only shops at Macy's. Our entire home is decorated like a Macy's Christmas catalog."

and

"I buy all my jewelry and accessories at Urban Outfitters. Everything else looks so gaudy."

Some family members found her cute and endearing, but I just found her boring, with her upper-middle-class, brand name dropping. So, I ignored her throughout the day. Which is when my cousin decided to ask me about her. I thought he was looking for some encouragement to dump her. If I had known the truth, I would have lied. Because that's what family does. No one wants to hear about deadbeat dads or moving away or your true feelings towards the girl you just moved in with. No. Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks and that's all. Everything else should be taken with the adult approach of mutual delusion and complete and utter denial.

I'm thankful, none of my family knows that.

patience

I called my boss Alice yesterday to try and resolve the issue of unpaid paychecks, only to discover she was traveling to Phoenix to go...shopping. SHOPPING! Ugh! And all she could say was patience was the key to resolving all our issues. Fuck patience, I felt like telling her. I wanted to scream at her. She knows I need my money and she has money, but like a non-organ donor, she's been relentless to let it go.

So I hung up with her. She was on the freeway and all I needed on my conscience was to know she got in an accident with her children in the backseat. So, I called up the Board of Labor and the unemployment office, only to discover it takes weeks to file everything. And to make things worse, at the bottom of the claim, near my signature it states in black and white:

"I UNDERSTAND that acceptance of this claim by the Labor Department does not guarantee collection."

So, even if I do file a claim, it doesn't mean she has to pay me. And if she received the claim, it would only upset her more, which means there's a less likely chance she will pay me. So, now, it's nothing but a waiting game. It's all I can do at this point. And it sucks because I feel like one of those damn damsels in distress. I'm here at home all by myself with an animal sidekick (my puppy), my hair is growing longer and out of control and my wicked witch (more like bitch) of a boss seems to be gaining more and more power rather than losing it.

Proving once again, a soft heart will only hold you back in the real world. You can't just be nice. Nice guys always finish last. But don't nice people occasionally succeed? People like Jimmy Carter and Audrey Hepburn? Or what about Mr. Rogers? But then again, his ratings were never that high.

raving & ranting

Last Thursday, they turned my iPhone off. It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't paid my bill in over two months, but who can really tell about these things? All I know is that I feel as if I've lost a part of me. A part of me that I can still sometimes feel. The way an amputee can sometimes still feel their lost limb.

It'll turn back on soon, I have faith in that, but in the meanwhile...it's made me realize how dependent I've become on this 4.5 inch multi-communication device. And to think a decade ago, I was okay without having to know who e-mailed me or who called me.

That's why I LOVE this rant!

the flyer

It's been over two weeks and my boss Alice still hasn't made any effort to make contact with me. No text. No phone call. No email. Not even snail mail. Nothing. Then, my co-worker, Amanda, who hasn't worked since the last Monday in October, made a trip to the flower shop to talk to Alice about her paycheck. The shop was closed and in its place was a flyer:



Something is definitely shady. Something needs to be done. Something like...legal action.