On Wednesday, I had lunch with my friend Maria. She had broken up with her boyfriend Ray the day before and I knew nothing would cheer her up better than an appetizer fest at Applebees. Because when you think about it...who doesnt smile at a basket of orignal-flavored boneless buffalo wings?
Many boneless buffalo wings and mozzerella sticks later, Maria decided to lay off boys for a while. She figured that with all the time she spent canoodling with Ray, she could have been helping humanity find a cure for AIDS, a way to stop world hunger, or at the very least, develop a nail polish remover that didnt stink. And it was with this newfound perspective on life that Maria went out forth into the world. While I just headed back home.
Along the way, I started to think up some ways Maria could spread kindness throughout the world, when I remembered something I saw something on MTV. It was their annual Alternative Spring Break in which teens could skip on the beach and booze and help their fellow man. I was already mentally picturing Maria planting a rose garden in Cambodia, when I entered my house and saw it. Him, actually. Right there in my queen-sized seligh bed, with the jersey-knit sheets and goose feather down-comforter, was a homeless man.
I screamed and ran into my parent's room, locking the door, and praying to God my bed-ridden mother kept a hatchet by her bed.
MOTHER: David! Dont scream! Your dad's cousin is asleep!
ME: Mom! There's someone in my bed!
MOTHER: Yeah, I know.
ME: You know?!
MOTHER: David, calm down. It's your dad's cousin. Junie.
ME: Oh! Ok! I guess that makes it all right, that he can sleep on my bed!
MOTHER: Well, he cant sleep on Daniel's bed because Daniel has all that clothes.
ME: And Caleb?
MOTHER: He's asleep on his bed.
ME: Well, what about yours?!
MOTHER: David, I am a married woman. I cant have another man in my bed!
So it turns out the homeless man in my bed was actually my...I guess...second cousin? I later learned that Junie was a war activist in the late 70's and distanced himself fromt the family after my dad and uncles enlisted in the military and were stationed in the Philippines. Junie, still protesting wars (apparently through hunger strikes) was wandering around a McDonalds on Valencia, when my dad saw him and insisted he come over and stay for dinner.
But why did he have to stay on my bed?! My nice clean bed, with the jersey-knit sheets and the goose feather down-comforter...I mean, sure it was soft and warm, but wasnt this man used to sleeping on cold, hard surfaces? Wouldnt the living room carpet be just as nice?
Dinner came, and I was already mentally burning my sheets and bed when Junie broke down. We were just slicing into our pork sirloin with the ginger and lime glaze, courtesy of one of my mother's student's mom, when Junie began to thank us with tears in his eyes.
JUNIE: It's just so...so...(sob)...I'm...(sob)...you've touched my heart.
MOTHER: Oh, thats nice. You've very welcome.
JUNIE: No one likes to...(sob)...they dont like...(sob)...
MOTHER: Well, we like to.
JUNIE: I cant even...(sob)...I dont remember the last time I was so welcomed into a home.
DAD: Junie. Your family. That's all that matters.
MOTHER: And as family, we like to use our napkins.
Even in a gut-wrenching, heart-felt moment, my disabled mother still expected manners. But my dad was right. Junie was family. No matter what had happened in the past Junie was still and would always be my dad's cousin. I felt horrible that I screamed at him and felt even worse when I noticed that my brothers werent even at the dinner table. They were appalled by Junie's smell, which was understandable since he smelled like B.O. and wet dog, but still. It was sad that they couldnt even spend 5 minutes in the same room as Junie. And that's when I came up with my brilliant plan. If Maria could help her fellow man, why couldnt I?
Junie was in dire need of some new threads and I just got my check from the IRS...so...are you thinking what I'm thinking? (I dont know... are you thinking what Oprah would look like in a pool of pudding?) How cool would it be if I went shopping for clothes for Junie?! I've always wanted to be a personal shopper and this would be the perfect experience! But I'm not sure what a homeless man would like. So, I need your help. I need some ideas of how to dress Junie. So keep those ideas comin' folks!
Many boneless buffalo wings and mozzerella sticks later, Maria decided to lay off boys for a while. She figured that with all the time she spent canoodling with Ray, she could have been helping humanity find a cure for AIDS, a way to stop world hunger, or at the very least, develop a nail polish remover that didnt stink. And it was with this newfound perspective on life that Maria went out forth into the world. While I just headed back home.
Along the way, I started to think up some ways Maria could spread kindness throughout the world, when I remembered something I saw something on MTV. It was their annual Alternative Spring Break in which teens could skip on the beach and booze and help their fellow man. I was already mentally picturing Maria planting a rose garden in Cambodia, when I entered my house and saw it. Him, actually. Right there in my queen-sized seligh bed, with the jersey-knit sheets and goose feather down-comforter, was a homeless man.
I screamed and ran into my parent's room, locking the door, and praying to God my bed-ridden mother kept a hatchet by her bed.
MOTHER: David! Dont scream! Your dad's cousin is asleep!
ME: Mom! There's someone in my bed!
MOTHER: Yeah, I know.
ME: You know?!
MOTHER: David, calm down. It's your dad's cousin. Junie.
ME: Oh! Ok! I guess that makes it all right, that he can sleep on my bed!
MOTHER: Well, he cant sleep on Daniel's bed because Daniel has all that clothes.
ME: And Caleb?
MOTHER: He's asleep on his bed.
ME: Well, what about yours?!
MOTHER: David, I am a married woman. I cant have another man in my bed!
So it turns out the homeless man in my bed was actually my...I guess...second cousin? I later learned that Junie was a war activist in the late 70's and distanced himself fromt the family after my dad and uncles enlisted in the military and were stationed in the Philippines. Junie, still protesting wars (apparently through hunger strikes) was wandering around a McDonalds on Valencia, when my dad saw him and insisted he come over and stay for dinner.
But why did he have to stay on my bed?! My nice clean bed, with the jersey-knit sheets and the goose feather down-comforter...I mean, sure it was soft and warm, but wasnt this man used to sleeping on cold, hard surfaces? Wouldnt the living room carpet be just as nice?
Dinner came, and I was already mentally burning my sheets and bed when Junie broke down. We were just slicing into our pork sirloin with the ginger and lime glaze, courtesy of one of my mother's student's mom, when Junie began to thank us with tears in his eyes.
JUNIE: It's just so...so...(sob)...I'm...(sob)...you've touched my heart.
MOTHER: Oh, thats nice. You've very welcome.
JUNIE: No one likes to...(sob)...they dont like...(sob)...
MOTHER: Well, we like to.
JUNIE: I cant even...(sob)...I dont remember the last time I was so welcomed into a home.
DAD: Junie. Your family. That's all that matters.
MOTHER: And as family, we like to use our napkins.
Even in a gut-wrenching, heart-felt moment, my disabled mother still expected manners. But my dad was right. Junie was family. No matter what had happened in the past Junie was still and would always be my dad's cousin. I felt horrible that I screamed at him and felt even worse when I noticed that my brothers werent even at the dinner table. They were appalled by Junie's smell, which was understandable since he smelled like B.O. and wet dog, but still. It was sad that they couldnt even spend 5 minutes in the same room as Junie. And that's when I came up with my brilliant plan. If Maria could help her fellow man, why couldnt I?
Junie was in dire need of some new threads and I just got my check from the IRS...so...are you thinking what I'm thinking? (I dont know... are you thinking what Oprah would look like in a pool of pudding?) How cool would it be if I went shopping for clothes for Junie?! I've always wanted to be a personal shopper and this would be the perfect experience! But I'm not sure what a homeless man would like. So, I need your help. I need some ideas of how to dress Junie. So keep those ideas comin' folks!
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