Two weeks ago, on the grassy knoll of a university campus, two mere mortal lovers fell back in love. After spending a week of camping in the woods (I know, let's not go there...), Ray realized that the tired and true cliché "absence makes the heart grow fonder" did hold some truth. The cold and dark forest, made Ray realize that life without my friend Maria was just as cold and dark, and so immeadiately, the following Monday morning, Ray asked Maria to go steady. And Maria, who believed in the cliché, "three times the charm" accepted.
Since then, the two have been inseperable and so it was surprising when I met Maria, yesterday at Magpies Pizza for lunch, and saw a big purple bruise on her chin.
ME: Maria! What happened to your face?!
MARIA: David! Shhh! Dont be so loud!
ME: Sorry! Sorry! It's just...what happened?!
MARIA: Ray.
ME: Did he hit you?!
MARIA: No, he kissed me.
ME: Huh?
MARIA: Ray kissed me and, well, he's not really, that good at it.
Maria then began to fill me in on the downside of dating Ray. True, he had the build of a soccer player. And true he had a head of hair that would probably last him until he was 80. But what was also true, was that when it came down to making out, Ray just didnt make the cut. According to Maria, Ray used too much teeth and too much suction and focused his attention on her face rather than on her lips. Although, to be fair, Maria did say he gave good head. Apparently, the dude was only able to make out with one set of lips.
As we ate lunch, Maria wondered if giving a bad kisser a second chance was a good thing. I thought, it was, because if Ray was willing to give the relationship a second chance, why shouldn't Maria? To me, kissing is an art. Originality isnt always a good thing when it comes to kissing, but, if there's enough of a connection there, cant the worst of bad kisses be forgiven?
After lunch, we headed to the U of A, where Maria and I were greeted by Ray and his tutoring student, Elisha. The moment Ray saw Maria, his face lit up and immeadiately he jumped out of his seat and rushed over to her...where he then began to ravage the enitre left side of her face. I stood in horror as I watched Ray kiss/chomp on my friend's face, making these weird "Mmmmmm!" noises. And all the while, Maria just stood there, smiling. I felt bad for the guy. I knew he meant well, but this was just too much! I was about to rescue my friend from being eaten alive, when Elisha spoke up.
ELISHA: Ray! What the hell are you doing?
RAY: I'm giving my sugar, some sugar.
Oh, God please tell me this is a joke...
ELISHA: You're eating her face! You dont know how to kiss!
RAY: Elisha, you're only in middle school. Trust me, when you get older, you're gonna do the same thing with your boyfriend.
Ebarrassed by both Ray's kissing technique and advice, a determined and impatient Maria grabbed Ray by the chin, squeezing his mouth into an "O" and kissed his mouth shut, only to have Ray stick his tongue out and lick her bottom lip and chin. It was beyond gross and Ray was beyond help.
Later on that day, as I walked Maria to her car, her friend Doogy saw us and asked if we would be willing to help him and his band, Double Top, set up for a gig. They were opening for another band called, (ironically enough) "The Life And Times" and with no real plans set, Maria and I agreed. The music was good, but the free drinks were even better. And since I was designated drinker, I drank Fantasy Island Iced Teas all night long, which were kinda like Long Island Iced Teas but with three times the alcohol. A guy could get used to being with the band.
By the end of my second drink and the second opening act, I was faded. My lips on a nice, cold, tall drink was just what I needed. And apparently, a bad, hot, tall drink of man, was exactly what Maria needed. Through a hazy and intoxicated gaze, I could see Maria making out with the drummer, aka Derric.
ME: Maria...what are you doing?
MARIA: Oh, David, I know, but he's so cute! Don't you think he's cute?
ME: Yeah, if you like that whole, "I-cant-afford-a razor-or-any-hair-product look."
MARIA: Whatever. He's a really good kisser! He doesnt chew on me!
ME: Yeah, but what about Ray?
MARIA: What about him? We're still together.
ME: Yeah, well when you're kissing another guy like that, it's kinda hard to tell.
MARIA: David. I'm just kissing Derric, that's all. Just be happy for me.
I tried to be happy for Maria, but I couldnt. I knew, that somewhere out there, Ray was thinking of Maria, while here in the bar, Derric was thinking of doing something with Maria somewhere down there. Derric was a self-proclaimed bad boy, with the Tony Manero look down to a T, and it was a persona that Maria was instantly attracted to. She claimed her hot and heavy makeout session was just a one night fun thing, but still, the whole thing bothered me. I guess it's because so many people have left comments that I'm a good guy, and I feel that Ray's a good guy, so somehow, it just didnt seem fair. Sure, his kissing was atrocious, but was it reason enough for Maria to go look for hot mouth-on-mouth action elsewhere? Is there any hope for the good guys? Or should we just let the bad guys win and hope it all works out in the end?
Since then, the two have been inseperable and so it was surprising when I met Maria, yesterday at Magpies Pizza for lunch, and saw a big purple bruise on her chin.
ME: Maria! What happened to your face?!
MARIA: David! Shhh! Dont be so loud!
ME: Sorry! Sorry! It's just...what happened?!
MARIA: Ray.
ME: Did he hit you?!
MARIA: No, he kissed me.
ME: Huh?
MARIA: Ray kissed me and, well, he's not really, that good at it.
Maria then began to fill me in on the downside of dating Ray. True, he had the build of a soccer player. And true he had a head of hair that would probably last him until he was 80. But what was also true, was that when it came down to making out, Ray just didnt make the cut. According to Maria, Ray used too much teeth and too much suction and focused his attention on her face rather than on her lips. Although, to be fair, Maria did say he gave good head. Apparently, the dude was only able to make out with one set of lips.
As we ate lunch, Maria wondered if giving a bad kisser a second chance was a good thing. I thought, it was, because if Ray was willing to give the relationship a second chance, why shouldn't Maria? To me, kissing is an art. Originality isnt always a good thing when it comes to kissing, but, if there's enough of a connection there, cant the worst of bad kisses be forgiven?
After lunch, we headed to the U of A, where Maria and I were greeted by Ray and his tutoring student, Elisha. The moment Ray saw Maria, his face lit up and immeadiately he jumped out of his seat and rushed over to her...where he then began to ravage the enitre left side of her face. I stood in horror as I watched Ray kiss/chomp on my friend's face, making these weird "Mmmmmm!" noises. And all the while, Maria just stood there, smiling. I felt bad for the guy. I knew he meant well, but this was just too much! I was about to rescue my friend from being eaten alive, when Elisha spoke up.
ELISHA: Ray! What the hell are you doing?
RAY: I'm giving my sugar, some sugar.
Oh, God please tell me this is a joke...
ELISHA: You're eating her face! You dont know how to kiss!
RAY: Elisha, you're only in middle school. Trust me, when you get older, you're gonna do the same thing with your boyfriend.
Ebarrassed by both Ray's kissing technique and advice, a determined and impatient Maria grabbed Ray by the chin, squeezing his mouth into an "O" and kissed his mouth shut, only to have Ray stick his tongue out and lick her bottom lip and chin. It was beyond gross and Ray was beyond help.
Later on that day, as I walked Maria to her car, her friend Doogy saw us and asked if we would be willing to help him and his band, Double Top, set up for a gig. They were opening for another band called, (ironically enough) "The Life And Times" and with no real plans set, Maria and I agreed. The music was good, but the free drinks were even better. And since I was designated drinker, I drank Fantasy Island Iced Teas all night long, which were kinda like Long Island Iced Teas but with three times the alcohol. A guy could get used to being with the band.
By the end of my second drink and the second opening act, I was faded. My lips on a nice, cold, tall drink was just what I needed. And apparently, a bad, hot, tall drink of man, was exactly what Maria needed. Through a hazy and intoxicated gaze, I could see Maria making out with the drummer, aka Derric.
ME: Maria...what are you doing?
MARIA: Oh, David, I know, but he's so cute! Don't you think he's cute?
ME: Yeah, if you like that whole, "I-cant-afford-a razor-or-any-hair-product look."
MARIA: Whatever. He's a really good kisser! He doesnt chew on me!
ME: Yeah, but what about Ray?
MARIA: What about him? We're still together.
ME: Yeah, well when you're kissing another guy like that, it's kinda hard to tell.
MARIA: David. I'm just kissing Derric, that's all. Just be happy for me.
I tried to be happy for Maria, but I couldnt. I knew, that somewhere out there, Ray was thinking of Maria, while here in the bar, Derric was thinking of doing something with Maria somewhere down there. Derric was a self-proclaimed bad boy, with the Tony Manero look down to a T, and it was a persona that Maria was instantly attracted to. She claimed her hot and heavy makeout session was just a one night fun thing, but still, the whole thing bothered me. I guess it's because so many people have left comments that I'm a good guy, and I feel that Ray's a good guy, so somehow, it just didnt seem fair. Sure, his kissing was atrocious, but was it reason enough for Maria to go look for hot mouth-on-mouth action elsewhere? Is there any hope for the good guys? Or should we just let the bad guys win and hope it all works out in the end?
|