24

It's October 6. I'm officially 24 years old, which if you think about it, how I've been able to keep myself alive all these years is really a big accomplishment in itself. Every time I use the bathroom for a shadoobie, I still have to repeat "front to back," to myself.

Since the last time I've blogged, I've accumulated three stalkers; a guy, a girl and a married woman, whom I think I'm dating. I don't know. We've gone out a couple of times, and we haven't had sex, which is what a lot of dating people do. She brings her son along sometimes, which is typical behavior between friends, but she always lies to her husband and tells him she's by herself whenever he calls when we're together. She married him only after two months of dating and after a two year relationship with a girl named Tina.

It's really confusing and complicated right now. Even more so, than usual. And I blame it all on my recent dramatic weight loss.

Over the course of three months, with extreme diet and exercise, I dropped seven pant sizes and two shirt sizes. I can now wear an XL in Boys. Thank God for little obese children everywhere! And with a hot new body, comes new responsibilities, like making sure you're extra nice to people, so you're not perceived as a beautiful, major asshole. Brad Pitt suffers from this very same dilemma. In general, I'm a nice guy, but I'm now finding I cannot be as sarcastic as I once used to be. I guess that means only fat, jolly people can have a sense of humor. And in exchange for my SOH, I've gained this whole new sense of confidence that has allowed me to do things I normally could never do.

Last month, I attended the D23 Expo in Anaheim, CA, a giant convention devoted to all things Disney. I got to see a 30-minute preview of Disney's newest movie, The Princess and the Frog, shake hands with a living, Disney legend, Richard Sherman (musical genius!) and actually talked to Disney Channel stars, as if they were normal, everyday folk. In previous experiences, whenever I found myself in the presence of celebrities, I've always managed to make a fool of myself. Like when I courtsied in front of Kathleen Turner and kept touching her thigh. But now? I was able to talk to these Disney Channel stars without sweating profusely or becoming tongue tied and act like they were actual, normal people. Normal people, with beautiful, clear skin and soft shiny hair that makes you want to pet them all day long and fee them sugar cubes and grapes.

On top of being able to speak to people without showering them with my saliva, I also find myself becoming more extroverted and experiencing new things, like supporting the spouse of a friend as he takes the stage to perform a rap song he co-wrote and produced or taking a religious pilgrimage for a saint named San Francisco Xavier which was both spiritually and physically benefiting.

The people I'm meeting and the things I'm doing do make me wonder about Milwaukee and why the hell I ever moved there in the first place. It's not as welcoming as Tucson is. Nothing good came from that move, unless you count a new found appreciation for the taste of beer? I'm still a vodka tonic guy all the way, but at least I know I can hang with any crowd that appreciates a good buzz. Except Trekies, of course. But that's because they're just weird.