I dont exactly remember when my friend Madelaine's obsession with the game Candyland began, but for as long as I could remember, she had always wanted to be the fictional character, Princess Lolly. In fact, a few months prior to Halloween she had even convinced one of the neighborhood kid's to be one of her many accessories, as the Gingerbread Man. So it came to no surprise, when last month, Madelaine asked me to be Lord Licorice.
ME: No, let's just do Archie and Veronica. It's way easier and so much cooler.
MADELAINE: David. I've been known to don a pencil skirt and fake eyelashes in my everyday wear. I'm just gonna look like myself. No one will get that I'm Veronica.
ME: Oh, and like people will get that I'm Lord Licorice? He's not as iconic as Archie.
MADELAINE: Think about it. How many people played the game compared to how many people read the comic book? My guess is more people played the game.
ME: My guess is you're wrong. I just dont wanna be like Ross from Friends in that one Halloween episode where he went as "Spud-nik" and everyone thought he was Doody.
MADELAINE: Trust me, you wont be Doody. You'll be pimp.
And trust I did, as I ventured into several costume shops looking for my costume. Because Lord Licorice isnt exactly a marketed costume, I had to improvise using both my creativity and a pre-packed Vampire of Blood Castle costume. And it was after I bought my costume that I came up with the rules for a good halloween.
Rule number one: buy your costume early. It happened last Sunday morning during Sunday brunch with my family, when Madelaine called to ask me if I could return my costume. Her reason? She couldnt find her costume. Who knew how hard it would be to find a yellow summer dress in the autumn months? But I couldnt return my costume. With the Halloween weekend just around the corner, I knew that would be one task that even my strong powers of persuassion would be defenseless againt and have absolutely no effect on. However, I did use those very same powers on Madelaine and told her I was not trick or treating as Candyland's very own pedophile-looking local, by myself. If I had to be Lord Licorice, then she had to be a character from Candyland as well, whether it be Queen Frostine or, even worse, Grandma Nutt.
Two days later, Madelaine found her dress. It wasnt the right color, but with a little imagination and the right fabric dye, my friend was rockin' a pretty hot lollipop princess look. Maybe Madelaine's Candyland idea wouldnt be so bad after all. They say that fun and happy times come out of the most unusual places, and maybe, just maybe, this would be one of those times.
Saturday afternoon I was still finishing the final touches to my costume by gluing countless red licorice to a gold pimp cane. The glue was still drying as Madelaine and I left and made the party rounds. The first stop was at Madelaine's uncle's house where we learned rule number two: make sure that your costume and accessories are animal retardant. Because we were characters from the fantasy land of candy, our costumes and accessories reflected our fictional origins, which was most appealing, both in sight and in scent. At least that's what the dogs thought as they spent most of their time trying to gnaw off our sweet and colorful creations.
Our next stop was at Madelaine's friend, Daphne's house, where I realized that the Candyland idea was actually well worth the effort. Cruella De Vil, Dorothy Gale, and one of the Mario Brothers were in awe as Madelaine and I made a lap around the house, all agreeing that we both were indeed the best dressed couple of the paarty. The compliments continued well into the night, even after we picked up our friend Bella and headed straight to the north side of town, where we learned rule number three: accept treats only in the doorway - never go inside a house.
The house of horrors we were invited to, turned out to be a house of whores. My boss Alice and Madelaine's new boss Becky, both invited us to the same house with the promise of a good party and an unlimited night of fun, so we had to make an appearence. But by the time we got there, the party had begun to die down. Thankfully though, the drama had not. We were welcomed at the door by the sight of drunken thirty-year old's passed out across the living room floor and throwing up as if they were re-living their high school glory days. My boss Alice was one of them. With drool on her chin and her short black bob wig off-center, Alice tried to look sexy and seductive in her vinyl dominatrix ball gown. Instead she just came off as sick and constapated.
As Alice headed off into the bathroom for a third time, Wendi the Witch graced us with her witchy pressence. Wasnt she supposed to be strapped to a bed in some far away asylum with 3000 units of thorazine swimming in her system? Luckily though, at the stroke of midnight she pulled a Cinderella and totally disappeared. Outta sight and outta mind. Unfortunately though, she was the only one at the party who could perform such a feat, which was a shame since there were some drunken party-goers who should have pulled a Cinderella too, instead of performing the gruesome and horrifying acts of sex on the couch. And so we left.
When you're a kid, you know that a well planned trick-or-treat route is a well way to ensure a good bountiful of fun and candy. Who knew the same rules applied to when you're grown up and old enough to party? Rule number four: plan your entire route beforehand and make sure your family and friends knows what it is. Throughout the night, Madelaine felt as if though not enough people got to see our costumes, because we spent so much time in the car driving from one party to the next. True, had we actually formed a well planned schedule of our night, we probably would have been seen by more people. But that's not the point of Halloween. The point of Halloween is to bump and grind next to George W. Bush and Snow White in El Charro at two in the morning. And to have a contest to see who can down the most medicine-tasting, grape jell-o shots before throwing up. And to eat as much candy as possible, because really, how often do you get to have a hangover with a major sugar high? So I guess, the most important rule of Halloween is just to have fun. Oh and to be safe. But you already knew that...
*RESULTS MAY VARY
ME: No, let's just do Archie and Veronica. It's way easier and so much cooler.
MADELAINE: David. I've been known to don a pencil skirt and fake eyelashes in my everyday wear. I'm just gonna look like myself. No one will get that I'm Veronica.
ME: Oh, and like people will get that I'm Lord Licorice? He's not as iconic as Archie.
MADELAINE: Think about it. How many people played the game compared to how many people read the comic book? My guess is more people played the game.
ME: My guess is you're wrong. I just dont wanna be like Ross from Friends in that one Halloween episode where he went as "Spud-nik" and everyone thought he was Doody.
MADELAINE: Trust me, you wont be Doody. You'll be pimp.
And trust I did, as I ventured into several costume shops looking for my costume. Because Lord Licorice isnt exactly a marketed costume, I had to improvise using both my creativity and a pre-packed Vampire of Blood Castle costume. And it was after I bought my costume that I came up with the rules for a good halloween.
Rule number one: buy your costume early. It happened last Sunday morning during Sunday brunch with my family, when Madelaine called to ask me if I could return my costume. Her reason? She couldnt find her costume. Who knew how hard it would be to find a yellow summer dress in the autumn months? But I couldnt return my costume. With the Halloween weekend just around the corner, I knew that would be one task that even my strong powers of persuassion would be defenseless againt and have absolutely no effect on. However, I did use those very same powers on Madelaine and told her I was not trick or treating as Candyland's very own pedophile-looking local, by myself. If I had to be Lord Licorice, then she had to be a character from Candyland as well, whether it be Queen Frostine or, even worse, Grandma Nutt.
Two days later, Madelaine found her dress. It wasnt the right color, but with a little imagination and the right fabric dye, my friend was rockin' a pretty hot lollipop princess look. Maybe Madelaine's Candyland idea wouldnt be so bad after all. They say that fun and happy times come out of the most unusual places, and maybe, just maybe, this would be one of those times.
Saturday afternoon I was still finishing the final touches to my costume by gluing countless red licorice to a gold pimp cane. The glue was still drying as Madelaine and I left and made the party rounds. The first stop was at Madelaine's uncle's house where we learned rule number two: make sure that your costume and accessories are animal retardant. Because we were characters from the fantasy land of candy, our costumes and accessories reflected our fictional origins, which was most appealing, both in sight and in scent. At least that's what the dogs thought as they spent most of their time trying to gnaw off our sweet and colorful creations.
Our next stop was at Madelaine's friend, Daphne's house, where I realized that the Candyland idea was actually well worth the effort. Cruella De Vil, Dorothy Gale, and one of the Mario Brothers were in awe as Madelaine and I made a lap around the house, all agreeing that we both were indeed the best dressed couple of the paarty. The compliments continued well into the night, even after we picked up our friend Bella and headed straight to the north side of town, where we learned rule number three: accept treats only in the doorway - never go inside a house.
The house of horrors we were invited to, turned out to be a house of whores. My boss Alice and Madelaine's new boss Becky, both invited us to the same house with the promise of a good party and an unlimited night of fun, so we had to make an appearence. But by the time we got there, the party had begun to die down. Thankfully though, the drama had not. We were welcomed at the door by the sight of drunken thirty-year old's passed out across the living room floor and throwing up as if they were re-living their high school glory days. My boss Alice was one of them. With drool on her chin and her short black bob wig off-center, Alice tried to look sexy and seductive in her vinyl dominatrix ball gown. Instead she just came off as sick and constapated.
As Alice headed off into the bathroom for a third time, Wendi the Witch graced us with her witchy pressence. Wasnt she supposed to be strapped to a bed in some far away asylum with 3000 units of thorazine swimming in her system? Luckily though, at the stroke of midnight she pulled a Cinderella and totally disappeared. Outta sight and outta mind. Unfortunately though, she was the only one at the party who could perform such a feat, which was a shame since there were some drunken party-goers who should have pulled a Cinderella too, instead of performing the gruesome and horrifying acts of sex on the couch. And so we left.
When you're a kid, you know that a well planned trick-or-treat route is a well way to ensure a good bountiful of fun and candy. Who knew the same rules applied to when you're grown up and old enough to party? Rule number four: plan your entire route beforehand and make sure your family and friends knows what it is. Throughout the night, Madelaine felt as if though not enough people got to see our costumes, because we spent so much time in the car driving from one party to the next. True, had we actually formed a well planned schedule of our night, we probably would have been seen by more people. But that's not the point of Halloween. The point of Halloween is to bump and grind next to George W. Bush and Snow White in El Charro at two in the morning. And to have a contest to see who can down the most medicine-tasting, grape jell-o shots before throwing up. And to eat as much candy as possible, because really, how often do you get to have a hangover with a major sugar high? So I guess, the most important rule of Halloween is just to have fun. Oh and to be safe. But you already knew that...
*RESULTS MAY VARY
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