One year ago, my friend Priscilla met this really cute Jamaican guy named TJ. TJ was the general manager of a local Papa John’s eatery and, at the time, he was everything she was looking for. He was charming, sweet, well-mannered, and not married. He did, however, have three children with three different ex-girlfriends.
But that didn’t stop Priscilla from dating him.
Priscilla believed she was the one person who would be able to change TJ. She believed she had the power to help TJ see the error in his ways. She made it her mission to improve TJ, and make him the boyfriend of her dreams. But, she was too late. After several months of dating, Priscilla discovered that she was pregnant and TJ was no where near her expectations of a dream boyfriend.
During the first few months of what was supposed to be young lovers bliss, the young lovers fought endlessly and had restraining orders put on one another. They weren't just crazy in love. They were crazy.
After one night in jail, two court-appointed counseling sessions, and three months of crying over TJ I realized I had to help my friend out. Stressing and obsessing over a guy, who obviously was no longer interested in her was just not healthy. Besides, she kept calling me during peak hours when I did not have free minutes.
I explained to Priscilla that having TJ in her life wasnt as important as she thought. I mean, sure they were gonna have a kid together, but that didnt mean they needed to be together. Rachel and Ross showed us that during the eighth season of Friends.
After I shared my wisdom of Oprah with Priscilla, I began to wonder if I had said the wrong thing.
Growing up with a single parent isnt something I've experienced, but its something that I have seen with members of my own family. Two of my aunts are divorcees with children and I've seen them struggle, trying to live everyday life and sacrificing everything for my cousins. Both of their ex-husbands are your basic dead-beat dad, and so I really do admire them for surviving the hardships they've endured. But I wonder if having a male figure in both their lives and my cousins' lives, would help.
Maybe it does take two members of the opposite sex to raise a child. I know for me, I would be one clueless human being if I didnt have my mothers love or my fathers wisdom. I probably would have survived without one or the other, but I'm very thankful, that I was raised with both. And even my friend Thomas, who has two mothers, I know his mother Lou Ann, went out of her way to make sure Thomas had a male role model while growing up. I never asked him why, but I always felt it was because there are some things fathers can bring to the table, and there are some things mothers can bring to the tables. And since parents are gonna screw up their children anyways, why not have both sides do it?
I decided to bring my new found wisdom to the table, and talk to Priscilla about including TJ in her life.
We has lunch the other day, and because she is due in early December, we discussed how the last few weeks of her pregnancy should be spent. She thought, sitting at home with her feet up on the coffee table, re-reading old issues of US Weekly was the perfect way to pass the time, whereas I thought she should patch things up with TJ.
PRISCILLA: David, I just want to thank you so much!
ME: For what?
PRISCILLA: For helping me realize that I dont need a man in my life...
ME: Oh...
PRISCILLA: ...and that I can do this all by myself. TJ is nothing but a piece of shit! I so do not need his triflin' ass! I dont fuckin' care who he sleeps with, just as long as his child support check is in the mail! You know what I'm saying?
ME: So then, wait. Will he be a part of your life? Yours and the baby's?
PRISCILLA: Hell no! Just the paycheck part and thats it!
ME: Really? But dont you think he needs some kind of male role model in his life?
PRISCILLA: What do you mean?
ME: Well, I mean, I'm sure you'll do a good job raising the kid and whatever, but like you cant teach him everything. You know? Like he's gotta have some guy around to talk to when he goes through puberty.
PRISCILLA: I guess.
ME: I mean no matter how many books you throw at him, it's always more comforting to hear someone else talk about it. About the changes and stuff.
PRISCILLA: Well, thats why I have you, my brother, my tio...dont worry. This baby will be well-loved and well-taken care of. He dont need no male role model, like TJ!
ME: Yeah. But still. Dont you want your baby to know the father? To have some kind of part in its life? I mean, I wont always be around like a father will, and I'm pretty sure once your brother and tio have their families, they wont be around as often, you know?
PRISCILLA: I dont know...
And so, I guess my real question is: Is it wrong to try to put back together a failed relationship for the sake of a child? Even though both parents cant stand to be in the same room with each other and they've both said, several times, that they want nothing to do with one another, is it wrong to try and make things work? Or am I like Priscilla, thinking I have the power to change people? Is it just wishful thinking? If so, should I just then accept the things I cannot change, or just try harder?
But that didn’t stop Priscilla from dating him.
Priscilla believed she was the one person who would be able to change TJ. She believed she had the power to help TJ see the error in his ways. She made it her mission to improve TJ, and make him the boyfriend of her dreams. But, she was too late. After several months of dating, Priscilla discovered that she was pregnant and TJ was no where near her expectations of a dream boyfriend.
During the first few months of what was supposed to be young lovers bliss, the young lovers fought endlessly and had restraining orders put on one another. They weren't just crazy in love. They were crazy.
After one night in jail, two court-appointed counseling sessions, and three months of crying over TJ I realized I had to help my friend out. Stressing and obsessing over a guy, who obviously was no longer interested in her was just not healthy. Besides, she kept calling me during peak hours when I did not have free minutes.
I explained to Priscilla that having TJ in her life wasnt as important as she thought. I mean, sure they were gonna have a kid together, but that didnt mean they needed to be together. Rachel and Ross showed us that during the eighth season of Friends.
After I shared my wisdom of Oprah with Priscilla, I began to wonder if I had said the wrong thing.
Growing up with a single parent isnt something I've experienced, but its something that I have seen with members of my own family. Two of my aunts are divorcees with children and I've seen them struggle, trying to live everyday life and sacrificing everything for my cousins. Both of their ex-husbands are your basic dead-beat dad, and so I really do admire them for surviving the hardships they've endured. But I wonder if having a male figure in both their lives and my cousins' lives, would help.
Maybe it does take two members of the opposite sex to raise a child. I know for me, I would be one clueless human being if I didnt have my mothers love or my fathers wisdom. I probably would have survived without one or the other, but I'm very thankful, that I was raised with both. And even my friend Thomas, who has two mothers, I know his mother Lou Ann, went out of her way to make sure Thomas had a male role model while growing up. I never asked him why, but I always felt it was because there are some things fathers can bring to the table, and there are some things mothers can bring to the tables. And since parents are gonna screw up their children anyways, why not have both sides do it?
I decided to bring my new found wisdom to the table, and talk to Priscilla about including TJ in her life.
We has lunch the other day, and because she is due in early December, we discussed how the last few weeks of her pregnancy should be spent. She thought, sitting at home with her feet up on the coffee table, re-reading old issues of US Weekly was the perfect way to pass the time, whereas I thought she should patch things up with TJ.
PRISCILLA: David, I just want to thank you so much!
ME: For what?
PRISCILLA: For helping me realize that I dont need a man in my life...
ME: Oh...
PRISCILLA: ...and that I can do this all by myself. TJ is nothing but a piece of shit! I so do not need his triflin' ass! I dont fuckin' care who he sleeps with, just as long as his child support check is in the mail! You know what I'm saying?
ME: So then, wait. Will he be a part of your life? Yours and the baby's?
PRISCILLA: Hell no! Just the paycheck part and thats it!
ME: Really? But dont you think he needs some kind of male role model in his life?
PRISCILLA: What do you mean?
ME: Well, I mean, I'm sure you'll do a good job raising the kid and whatever, but like you cant teach him everything. You know? Like he's gotta have some guy around to talk to when he goes through puberty.
PRISCILLA: I guess.
ME: I mean no matter how many books you throw at him, it's always more comforting to hear someone else talk about it. About the changes and stuff.
PRISCILLA: Well, thats why I have you, my brother, my tio...dont worry. This baby will be well-loved and well-taken care of. He dont need no male role model, like TJ!
ME: Yeah. But still. Dont you want your baby to know the father? To have some kind of part in its life? I mean, I wont always be around like a father will, and I'm pretty sure once your brother and tio have their families, they wont be around as often, you know?
PRISCILLA: I dont know...
And so, I guess my real question is: Is it wrong to try to put back together a failed relationship for the sake of a child? Even though both parents cant stand to be in the same room with each other and they've both said, several times, that they want nothing to do with one another, is it wrong to try and make things work? Or am I like Priscilla, thinking I have the power to change people? Is it just wishful thinking? If so, should I just then accept the things I cannot change, or just try harder?
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