So, as most of y'all know, I have not worked since September, after I was fired for "stealing" a can of green tea (see September 23). And since then I have been desperately looking. The same way that one chick (aka Slutly Slutenstein) who's been looking for her baby daddy on The Maury Show.
Meanwhile, you'd think after 10 failed paternity tests with 10 different guys, you'd give up. But no. Slutly Slutenstein was determined to find the answer. No matter how many people were judging her, calling her names behind her back and to her face, she didnt give up. In a way, this slut was an inspiration. But circling all the want-ads, checking on-line, and filling out countless applications was getting me no where.
Until one day, I saw it. There it was, waving across in the wind, like a pair of boxers at a camp flag post. A sign, that read "Now Hiring." Kohls was hiring! Immeadiately, I went in and asked for an application, hoping the xerox-ed paper was an answer from Heaven.
Before I had been convicted of stealing a can of 99 cent green tea, I had always put down that I had never been convicted of, found guilty of, plead guilty to, or addmitted guilt to a crime. But after my September hearing, filling out applications made me wonder what the right answer should be.
The judge did tell me I had the option of taking a diversion class that would help with my supposed kleptomania problem and promised that if I took it, the charges would be dropped. I havent taken the class just yet, but I have made payments on it, which is just as good, right? Besides, what respectable establishment, in their right mind, would hire a convicted felon? Actually I think Wal-Mart would, but I still have my dignity...I think. And since it's best to err on the wrong side, I've been check marking "NO."
So anyways, the other day, on my way to class, I stop by Kohl's to turn in my application. I thought it would be a little weird if I walked in with just the paper, so I my carried my application in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Backpack.
Once I got in the store, I placed the bag in a stroller and was immeadiately greeted by a barefoot male cashier. That's right...barefoot. As in no shoes or socks. Just feet. Odd to say, but the sight of the Barefoot Contessa, with the red streaks in his hair, gave me a small ray of hope. If they're this relaxed with their employee's, then I was a total shoe-in.
I walked around the store with my new found confidence and made my way towards the back, to the customer service. But just before reaching my final destination, I made a small detour to the ornament section. Obviously, I had to have the application in hand before reaching the counter. So I hid behind the ornaments, reached into the stoller, and pulled out my application. While doing so, several elderly women were looking my way, with a gasping look on their face, as if I just told them all that tapioca was no longer a dessert option. I quickly turned away from the decaying divas and continued along my merry little way.
Not five seconds after I turned my application in, were those elderly women approaching me with pitch forks and torches. Ok, so they werent pitch forks and torches. But one should never underestimate the power of the elderly when they carry an over sized crocheted tote bag and wear orthepedic shoes. Especially when they're coming towards you with the Barefoot Contessa.
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Excuse me, sir, can you please follow me?
ME: Why?
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Sir, we have reason to believe you are in possesions of some items that do not belong to you.
ME: What? No I dont!
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Sir, follow me, please.
ME: Whatever! I'm leaving. I am not a theif.
DECAYING DIVA 1: He was acting suspicous! I saw him looking at the ornaments and hunching over his cart!
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Ma'mm...
DECAYING DIVA 2: I saw him put something in! It's in his cart! Look!
ME: Whatever! Your glasses are too thick!
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Sir, please...
ME: No. Bye!
And I left...both the store and my chances of ever getting hired there. I mean, really, what are the chances the hiring manager will ignore the small scene I created in the store? I totally should have taken something and just returned it later for store credit...
Meanwhile, you'd think after 10 failed paternity tests with 10 different guys, you'd give up. But no. Slutly Slutenstein was determined to find the answer. No matter how many people were judging her, calling her names behind her back and to her face, she didnt give up. In a way, this slut was an inspiration. But circling all the want-ads, checking on-line, and filling out countless applications was getting me no where.
Until one day, I saw it. There it was, waving across in the wind, like a pair of boxers at a camp flag post. A sign, that read "Now Hiring." Kohls was hiring! Immeadiately, I went in and asked for an application, hoping the xerox-ed paper was an answer from Heaven.
Before I had been convicted of stealing a can of 99 cent green tea, I had always put down that I had never been convicted of, found guilty of, plead guilty to, or addmitted guilt to a crime. But after my September hearing, filling out applications made me wonder what the right answer should be.
The judge did tell me I had the option of taking a diversion class that would help with my supposed kleptomania problem and promised that if I took it, the charges would be dropped. I havent taken the class just yet, but I have made payments on it, which is just as good, right? Besides, what respectable establishment, in their right mind, would hire a convicted felon? Actually I think Wal-Mart would, but I still have my dignity...I think. And since it's best to err on the wrong side, I've been check marking "NO."
So anyways, the other day, on my way to class, I stop by Kohl's to turn in my application. I thought it would be a little weird if I walked in with just the paper, so I my carried my application in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Backpack.
Once I got in the store, I placed the bag in a stroller and was immeadiately greeted by a barefoot male cashier. That's right...barefoot. As in no shoes or socks. Just feet. Odd to say, but the sight of the Barefoot Contessa, with the red streaks in his hair, gave me a small ray of hope. If they're this relaxed with their employee's, then I was a total shoe-in.
I walked around the store with my new found confidence and made my way towards the back, to the customer service. But just before reaching my final destination, I made a small detour to the ornament section. Obviously, I had to have the application in hand before reaching the counter. So I hid behind the ornaments, reached into the stoller, and pulled out my application. While doing so, several elderly women were looking my way, with a gasping look on their face, as if I just told them all that tapioca was no longer a dessert option. I quickly turned away from the decaying divas and continued along my merry little way.
Not five seconds after I turned my application in, were those elderly women approaching me with pitch forks and torches. Ok, so they werent pitch forks and torches. But one should never underestimate the power of the elderly when they carry an over sized crocheted tote bag and wear orthepedic shoes. Especially when they're coming towards you with the Barefoot Contessa.
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Excuse me, sir, can you please follow me?
ME: Why?
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Sir, we have reason to believe you are in possesions of some items that do not belong to you.
ME: What? No I dont!
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Sir, follow me, please.
ME: Whatever! I'm leaving. I am not a theif.
DECAYING DIVA 1: He was acting suspicous! I saw him looking at the ornaments and hunching over his cart!
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Ma'mm...
DECAYING DIVA 2: I saw him put something in! It's in his cart! Look!
ME: Whatever! Your glasses are too thick!
BAREFOOT CONTESSA: Sir, please...
ME: No. Bye!
And I left...both the store and my chances of ever getting hired there. I mean, really, what are the chances the hiring manager will ignore the small scene I created in the store? I totally should have taken something and just returned it later for store credit...
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