Is it possible to have a grudge against somebody who has been dead for almost 20 years? I'm of course talking about the incomparable Donna Reed, aka the quintissential 50's mom with the perfect smile and perfect hair. In the past, I've never had a problem with a black and white TV character I only know from Nick@Nite, but lately, the spirit of Donna has been everywhere I go. And it's been annoying. Especially, when that spirit is dead and cant be harmed.It all started earlier this week, when I went to work on Monday. Donna, (the secretary, not the spirit) was sportin' a new mountain-high, hairsprayed hairdo. It came as a shock to almost everyone. There was just no preparing for Donna's psychotic fashion sense. And of course, Donna walked around the store, like she was Ms. Thang. The sense of pride she had for her solid, non-movement hair, blinded her to the ridicule and laughter the entire store had in stock for her. Of course, not wanting to be so mean and cruel, we laughed behind her back, as people with manners do. Well, most of us did. Or at least tried to.
During a small break on the registers, the topic of the most awesomely bad hairdo's within the store came up, and if you were on the southside of the store, you would have been wiping tears from your face and straining to catch your breath.
SHEILA: And what's up with Jaime's hair?
ME: Oh, I know! There's too many blond streaks! It almost looks whiteish grey and she looks like a nana!
SHEILA: She does, huh?!
ME: Yeah. And did you see Lacey's?! Ok, what's up with her? She went from brown hair to blonde slash orange?
SHEILA: Yeah! I know! I saw her, and it looks and she looks so weird with those orange roots. What color is her hair anyways?
ME: I think it's black, cuz her eyebrows look black. Ugly and black.
SHEILA: The curtains dont match the carpet, eh?!
ME: Ew. Wouldn't you like to see her carpet swatches.
SHEILA: Shut up!
ME: Oh, but dude, the worst one has got to be Donna's!
SHEILA: Donna. I forgot about Donna.
ME: How could you forget about Donna?! That rock-solid hair! It looks like a muffin top! I can almost hear her offering us milk and cookies. "Hey kids! I have a swell idea! Let's get golly gosh gee crazy and have chocolate cookies before supper!"
Unbeknowest to me, short little Donna was hiding within earshot between a rack of Sonoma short-sleeved tees, folding the cotton suckers to perfection. The next day, she brought in this huge box of homemade chocolate-chip cookies. A huge box, like the kind you stuff with Holiday ornaments and decorations. Before I knew it, I was called into the office, and, well, long story short, I am working weekends from here to eternity.
But it's not just at work where I encompass Donna. It's also in the home.
Living the single life hasnt exactly been easy for my next-door neighbor Richard, and so his daughter Jennifer moved in and has been helping out. And being the friendly woman that she is, she has been coming over and hanging out. It's been real cool, cuz A) She's cool and B) She annoys my mother. And it's not that she has a big obnoxious personality. It's cuz she's a lesbian.
MOM: And why does she always have to come over? Why cant that dyke just stay at her own home?
ME: Mom! That is so mean! Jennifer is a nice lady! Dont call her "dyke!"
MOM: Well, thats what she said she was! She didnt say, "lesbian." She said, "dyke."
ME: Well, you dont have to say it like that.
MOM: Why do all the dykes have to be so lazy?
ME: And you're ignoring me...
MOM: Why cant the dykes just stay at home, pull out the mop and broom and clean their house?
ME: Uh, hello, mom? Can you hear me all the way over there in the 1950's?
MOM: They act like they're just too good to be with men. They should just stop being gay, and marry a husband who's a guy and have a nice life with a real family.
ME: Mother. I hope to God you are having a seizure right now. Are you even hearing yourself talk?
MOM: David, yes, I am hearing myself. Dont mock me.
ME: Well, if you werent talking crazy. Lesbians are people too. They dont need husbands and children to have a full life. We all cant be living the Stepford Life, Donna Reed.
MOM: Donna Reed. She was a nice lady.
Thank you Donna Reed for shining such a positive light on your stay-at-home lifestyle and making it my mother's deluded religion.
What exactly is it about Donna Reed that makes us wanna live perfect cookie-cutter lives? Didnt the movie, The Stepford Wives teach us anything? Isnt life all about the little imperfections? I know that the tiny cowlick on my left eyebrow is just a tiny part that makes me, me. So why be anything else?
|