Forgive me Friend, for I have sinned. Ok, so it's not exactly a true Catholic confession, but then again, I'm not a true Catholic. However, it seems that it's the only way I can apologize to my friend Maria.
See, since the fall season line-up of ABC began, back in 2004, my friend Maria and I have been devout and loyal fans to the greatest show on earth...Desperate Housewives. Every Sunday night, we would watch the show through our phones and just be amazed at how the story line just unfolded within the hour. Never had we missed a Sunday night, except for the one time Maria went to a study group and found out that the hostess' hippie parents didnt believe in television. But that was the only time. Well...that time...and this past Sunday.
But I have totally semi, almost, plausible excuse. I think.
With a whole day devoted to nothing, I spent Sunday afternoon reading A Million Little Pieces. I had been meaning to read the book ever since Oprah showcased it on her bookclub, but I havent exactly had the time. I was up to the part where James and his parents meet to discuss the issues of his addictive personality, when the phone rang.
It was Melissa (that's not really her name, but considering the fact that I always get caught on my blog by people who I talk about, I figure I might as well give my non-established character's fake names). She was bored out of her mind and asked if I wouldnt mind just hanging out with her.
MELISSA: We'll go out for coffee or something. Or get something to eat. Just...anything.
ME: OK, well, that sounds good. Uh, where do you want me to meet you at?
MELISSA: No, I'll pick you up.
ME: Are you sure? Cuz I could...
MELISSA: Yeah, I'm in your area anyways. Besides, my car's bigger.
ME: Ok. And? Your car's bigger? So?
MELISSA: Yeah.
ME: What does that have to do with anything?
Apparently it had a lot to do with everything, as I would later find out.
ME: Don't you live like a million miles away?
MELISSA: Well, yeah, but that's why I drove out early. If I was gonna pick you up, I had to head out early, right?
ME: How'd you know I'd even say yes?
MELISSA: Just a feeling. Now hurry up!
And so I did. As I put on my ripped Trailer jeans (or as my blog-friend Charlotte says, "easy access jeans") I noticed that it was a little after 6 PM - two short hours away from DH. I figured a quick coffee and quick bite to eat wouldnt take no more than an hour...besides, I wanted to hang out with Melissa, for one reason and one reason only.
See, Melissa has these amazing lips. There nothing like Angelina Jolie's lips, but something about them just...makes me smile and feel all warm inside. I cant really explain it, but when I see her smile, talk, eat, or do anything with her lips, I slip into this trance and just stare at her mouth. Remember the movie, Clueless and those awesome shots of Alicia Silverstone's lips? The way she sorta scrunched them and used them as a flirtation device? That's exactly how Melissa's lips are.
We went to Starbucks and this little Chinese place and had a great time talking. Well, Melissa had a great time talking. I had a great time looking at her lips. But her lips weren't the only thing I looked at. Actually, that's not exactly true. See, several times during the duration of Melissa's conversation to me, she casually scratched her middle area, aka her other pair of lips. It was a little odd, but no where weird as my sharting friend Shecky.
MELISSA: ...and then I'm just getting over this throat virus, which is so good, cuz now I can finally party!
ME: What do you mean? I thought tequilla helped sore throats.
MELISSA: Well, I got this infection in my throat and it closed up, so I really couldnt drink.
ME: Oh, wow.
MELISSA: Yeah. But it's all good now, since it's opening up, which means I can party and go all crazy and do what I like to do!
ME: Which is...what? Drink?
MELISSA: That. And make out. And have fun with guys. Doing. Things.
She licked her lips, when she said "things," which made me wonder how pure her lips were. Had other guys taken advantage of those lips? Had other guys done "things" with her lips that I had only dreamed of?! Ugh...it was like opening a Christmas present from your grandma, only to realize you gave it to her three years ago as a birthday present.
I started to lose interest in Melissa's lips. Basically, she had said in the most nicest and polite way that she was a total whore. Somewhere between the restaurant and the dirt road Melissa was driving on, the hot lips lost their magic. As I pondered about this, I realized I had no idea where was this dirt road was leading to. It was 7:30 PM, which meant it was too early to go home, yet to late to be going on some road-trip adventure. Where was this brazen woman taking me and why were we driving away from civilization?
Ten minutes later we reached our final destination, which was at the base of The Rincon Mountains. Melissa parked her car in the empty, makeshift, dirt parking lot and took a deep breath. She turned to me, took a hold of my hand, and in one smooth move, she slipped something between our hands, the same way a slick customer does to a maitre'd. There was something between her palm and mine, but I couldnt make out what it was.
MELISSA: David...
ME: Yeah?
MELISSA: I just want to let you know, that I think you're a nice guy...
A nice guy?! Just a nice guy?! Are you breaking up with me?! Oh, wait. We're not even going out. Whew... Wait, are we?
MELISSA: ...and I appreciate you for just listening to me and just letting me talk...
If I say, "It's not you, it's me," first, will she buy it?
Melissa continued to tell me why she thought I was special and just how much she enjoyed my company and friendship. And all the while she held my hand, pressing that mysterious something between our palms. I didnt know whether or not to smile or nod or do something, so I just stared. The girl with hot lips was totally hitting on me, and it was just totally unexpected. As Melissa finished what she had to say, she let go of my hand, and finally allowed me to see what it was I was holding. It was a condom. A true-blue Trojan condoms that was made for her pleasure.
I froze as I held up the condom. Was this actually happening to me? Was Melissa actually suggesting sex? Melissa bit her bottom lip as she took another deep breath. That's when things started to get more weird. Melissa opened her car door, and stepped outside, but only for a second, as she made her way to the back seat. Was this girl serious about having sex in the back of her car? A part of me got turned on, but the other part remembered that she had just finished telling me she had just gotten over a throat virus and couldnt wait to get drunk to go down on random guys. Was it all pre-sex talk?
Melissa removed her shirt and began to unbutton her jeans when all of a sudden she started to scratch her panty-covered lips. At first it was a small scratch, like she was nervous, but then her hand just went downtown and she scratched like there was no tomorrow. Feverishly she scratched away at her middle section like it was a lotto ticket. Was this the way girls got off nowadays? They scratch their hot lips until they bleed? I know I probably should have turned away and given her some time to scratch alone, but it was like a bad train wreck. I stared at Melissa, half-naked and half-moaning, shocked and confused at the way she was behaving. Total turn-off.
I didnt know what to do, so I excused myself, like the gentleman I was, and quickly jumped out of the car, half-running down the dirt-road. I hid behind some bushes, as I called Yellow Cab to come and rescue me from (as I found out later) Melissa the Crab Queen. During the cab ride home, I realized I had committed a cardinal sin. I'd forsaken my friend for the possibility of sex. I'd forsaken a Sunday tradition of great television, for someone who wasnt even worth it. Am I bad friend? The thing that I'm really concerned is what do I tell Lupita? The truth? Haven't I suffered enough?
See, since the fall season line-up of ABC began, back in 2004, my friend Maria and I have been devout and loyal fans to the greatest show on earth...Desperate Housewives. Every Sunday night, we would watch the show through our phones and just be amazed at how the story line just unfolded within the hour. Never had we missed a Sunday night, except for the one time Maria went to a study group and found out that the hostess' hippie parents didnt believe in television. But that was the only time. Well...that time...and this past Sunday.
But I have totally semi, almost, plausible excuse. I think.
With a whole day devoted to nothing, I spent Sunday afternoon reading A Million Little Pieces. I had been meaning to read the book ever since Oprah showcased it on her bookclub, but I havent exactly had the time. I was up to the part where James and his parents meet to discuss the issues of his addictive personality, when the phone rang.
It was Melissa (that's not really her name, but considering the fact that I always get caught on my blog by people who I talk about, I figure I might as well give my non-established character's fake names). She was bored out of her mind and asked if I wouldnt mind just hanging out with her.
MELISSA: We'll go out for coffee or something. Or get something to eat. Just...anything.
ME: OK, well, that sounds good. Uh, where do you want me to meet you at?
MELISSA: No, I'll pick you up.
ME: Are you sure? Cuz I could...
MELISSA: Yeah, I'm in your area anyways. Besides, my car's bigger.
ME: Ok. And? Your car's bigger? So?
MELISSA: Yeah.
ME: What does that have to do with anything?
Apparently it had a lot to do with everything, as I would later find out.
ME: Don't you live like a million miles away?
MELISSA: Well, yeah, but that's why I drove out early. If I was gonna pick you up, I had to head out early, right?
ME: How'd you know I'd even say yes?
MELISSA: Just a feeling. Now hurry up!
And so I did. As I put on my ripped Trailer jeans (or as my blog-friend Charlotte says, "easy access jeans") I noticed that it was a little after 6 PM - two short hours away from DH. I figured a quick coffee and quick bite to eat wouldnt take no more than an hour...besides, I wanted to hang out with Melissa, for one reason and one reason only.
See, Melissa has these amazing lips. There nothing like Angelina Jolie's lips, but something about them just...makes me smile and feel all warm inside. I cant really explain it, but when I see her smile, talk, eat, or do anything with her lips, I slip into this trance and just stare at her mouth. Remember the movie, Clueless and those awesome shots of Alicia Silverstone's lips? The way she sorta scrunched them and used them as a flirtation device? That's exactly how Melissa's lips are.
We went to Starbucks and this little Chinese place and had a great time talking. Well, Melissa had a great time talking. I had a great time looking at her lips. But her lips weren't the only thing I looked at. Actually, that's not exactly true. See, several times during the duration of Melissa's conversation to me, she casually scratched her middle area, aka her other pair of lips. It was a little odd, but no where weird as my sharting friend Shecky.
MELISSA: ...and then I'm just getting over this throat virus, which is so good, cuz now I can finally party!
ME: What do you mean? I thought tequilla helped sore throats.
MELISSA: Well, I got this infection in my throat and it closed up, so I really couldnt drink.
ME: Oh, wow.
MELISSA: Yeah. But it's all good now, since it's opening up, which means I can party and go all crazy and do what I like to do!
ME: Which is...what? Drink?
MELISSA: That. And make out. And have fun with guys. Doing. Things.
She licked her lips, when she said "things," which made me wonder how pure her lips were. Had other guys taken advantage of those lips? Had other guys done "things" with her lips that I had only dreamed of?! Ugh...it was like opening a Christmas present from your grandma, only to realize you gave it to her three years ago as a birthday present.
I started to lose interest in Melissa's lips. Basically, she had said in the most nicest and polite way that she was a total whore. Somewhere between the restaurant and the dirt road Melissa was driving on, the hot lips lost their magic. As I pondered about this, I realized I had no idea where was this dirt road was leading to. It was 7:30 PM, which meant it was too early to go home, yet to late to be going on some road-trip adventure. Where was this brazen woman taking me and why were we driving away from civilization?
Ten minutes later we reached our final destination, which was at the base of The Rincon Mountains. Melissa parked her car in the empty, makeshift, dirt parking lot and took a deep breath. She turned to me, took a hold of my hand, and in one smooth move, she slipped something between our hands, the same way a slick customer does to a maitre'd. There was something between her palm and mine, but I couldnt make out what it was.
MELISSA: David...
ME: Yeah?
MELISSA: I just want to let you know, that I think you're a nice guy...
A nice guy?! Just a nice guy?! Are you breaking up with me?! Oh, wait. We're not even going out. Whew... Wait, are we?
MELISSA: ...and I appreciate you for just listening to me and just letting me talk...
If I say, "It's not you, it's me," first, will she buy it?
Melissa continued to tell me why she thought I was special and just how much she enjoyed my company and friendship. And all the while she held my hand, pressing that mysterious something between our palms. I didnt know whether or not to smile or nod or do something, so I just stared. The girl with hot lips was totally hitting on me, and it was just totally unexpected. As Melissa finished what she had to say, she let go of my hand, and finally allowed me to see what it was I was holding. It was a condom. A true-blue Trojan condoms that was made for her pleasure.
I froze as I held up the condom. Was this actually happening to me? Was Melissa actually suggesting sex? Melissa bit her bottom lip as she took another deep breath. That's when things started to get more weird. Melissa opened her car door, and stepped outside, but only for a second, as she made her way to the back seat. Was this girl serious about having sex in the back of her car? A part of me got turned on, but the other part remembered that she had just finished telling me she had just gotten over a throat virus and couldnt wait to get drunk to go down on random guys. Was it all pre-sex talk?
Melissa removed her shirt and began to unbutton her jeans when all of a sudden she started to scratch her panty-covered lips. At first it was a small scratch, like she was nervous, but then her hand just went downtown and she scratched like there was no tomorrow. Feverishly she scratched away at her middle section like it was a lotto ticket. Was this the way girls got off nowadays? They scratch their hot lips until they bleed? I know I probably should have turned away and given her some time to scratch alone, but it was like a bad train wreck. I stared at Melissa, half-naked and half-moaning, shocked and confused at the way she was behaving. Total turn-off.
I didnt know what to do, so I excused myself, like the gentleman I was, and quickly jumped out of the car, half-running down the dirt-road. I hid behind some bushes, as I called Yellow Cab to come and rescue me from (as I found out later) Melissa the Crab Queen. During the cab ride home, I realized I had committed a cardinal sin. I'd forsaken my friend for the possibility of sex. I'd forsaken a Sunday tradition of great television, for someone who wasnt even worth it. Am I bad friend? The thing that I'm really concerned is what do I tell Lupita? The truth? Haven't I suffered enough?
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