Labels are weird. When you meet someone, you automatically categorize them into certain labels: looks...occupation...sexual orientation...religion. And with those labels come certain unalienable traits, like fashionista, hard-ass, flirty, or even lover. Or do they?
Wednesday night, I arrived at Tucson Baptist Church, 15 minutes prior to the "jubilee" that was to be bestoyed upon me and was greeted by a beauty-potential girl, who wore a lime-green corduroy skirt. She was the kind of girl, where if you took off her glasses and scrunchie, she would instantly go from geek to chic, like a cheesey teen comedy.
CORDUROY GIRL: Hi! Can I help you?
ME: Um. Yeah. I'm here for a Jesus class.
CORDUROY GIRL: A what?
ME: Uh, Bible study.
CORDUROY GIRL: Oh. Ok. I'm Cathleen. Welcome! And you are?
ME: I'm David.
CATHLEEN: Hi, David.
ME: Hi.
It was weird. Depite Cathleen's big smile and warm greeting, I didnt feel all that welcome. After I made my lame "Jesus class" joke, I felt like Cathleen was judging me up and down as a desperate loser trying to fit in with the rest of the Bible-carrying group. We walked down to the basement in silence. It was really uncomfortable, following this girl down the stairs, not knowing what waited for me at the other end. Not ready to face the Bible group, I decided to make a quick check in the bathroom. If I was gonna be durrounded by fashion victims, I decided I may as well give them somethimg they can aspire to.
I pushed opened the bathroom door, full blast. What I saw next completely stunned me. There, sitting on a porcelain throne was some dude, with his jeans at his ankles, shaking what had to be the smallest penis I've ever seen! I dont know if he was talking a shit or just peeing and shaking it off with his thumb and forefinger, but I freaked.
ME: I'm so sorry!
SMALL DUDE: SHUT THE DOOR!
ME: I know! Sorry!
SMALL DUDE: SHUT THE DOOR!
ME: I am.
SMALL DUDE: SHUT THE DOOR!
The door took forever to shut. It was the kind of door where it had springy hinges and closed all by itself, but slowly. I had to actually pull on the handle to make it go faster. As soon as it closed I ran down the stairs and burst out laughing. Who takes a shit in a public place with an unlocked door?! Tim saw me and asked me why I was laughing so hard. When I told him what had happened, he stood there with a frozen face.
He did not find my story funny at all. A few kids who overheard laughed, but that's all. Tim then went to go talk to the youth pastor and that's when the real action started. Apparently Small Dude's name was Josh and he had been in trouble with the youth group for acting "homosexual" (i.e. slappin' ass, winking and blowing air kisses, and rubbing his nipples to all the guys. If he was in highschool, he would have been labeled "class clown" and not "gay").
Me walking in on him was the last straw in the coffin. The nail that broke a camel's back. When Josh came down, the youth pastor took him to the side and asked him politely to leave. He was not to return until he could control his homosexual behavior. I felt bad for the dude and I couldnt believe these people who were supposed to be filled with Christ's love had cast their friend aside. If a friend is in trouble, dont you help them out instead of leaving them to figure it all out by themselves?
I decided to write the whole thing off as a bad experience and couldnt wait to tell all my friends all about it. Including, Charlotte, Carrie, Silly, and The Wife of Dingus. Thanks for your prayers!
The next day, I decided to go and visit my friend Maria at her new tutoring job at Mansfield Middle School. Maria had been seeing a guy, named Roy from school, and in all honesty, I kinda wanted to see the lucky fellow who had captivated her heart.
MARIA: David! Hi!
ME: Hey!
MARIA: Hey...what are you doing here?
ME: Nothing. I just came by to say hi.
MARIA: Oh.
ME:Yeah. That and see this Roy guy.
MARIA: Oh. Well. I dont think right now is a good time.
ME: Why?
MARIA: Well, I'm supposed to go to this engineering meeting with him right now.
ME: Ok? That's cool. We'll all go together.
MARIA: Yeah. But these are actual college kids.
I couldnt believe what my best friend was telling me. Sure, we attended different colleges, but just because they werent in the same zip code didnt mean one was better than the other. The classes we took were different, but that's only because she was majoring in bio-cemistry while I was trying to major in communications. I was just about to call Maria on her rude comment, when all of a sudden a guy came up behind her and put his hands over her eyes.
MARIA: Hey!
A GUY: Hey!
MARIA: Hi, Roy.
ROY: Hey! Hey dude.
ME: Hey.
MARIA: Roy, this is David. David, Roy.
ME: Hey.
ROY: Hey. So are you ready?
MARIA: Um, yeah.
ROY: Ok. Hey! Do you wanna come?
ME: Go where?
ROY: I have this engineer meeting. Maria comes with me every Thursday.
ME: Oh, cool.
ROY: Yeah, do you wanna come?
ME: Uh, sure. Maria? Is that ok?
MARIA: Uh, yeah.
Roy, a person who was a total and complete stranger had welcomed me to his group of friends, while my best friend had tried to exclude me. Why?
The rest of the evening went pretty well and I actually did have fun. No one cared what school I went to and that's probably because they all thought I went to their school, but still. I was totally at home. I taught a girl the proper way to pronounce "Givenchy" and I told a guy he could buy discount Express and Abercrombie & Fitch jeans at Marshalls. It was great. And at the same time, weird. These people were surprisingly warm and fun to be around. Unlike the Bible group and my friend Maria, which, I still do not understand. Or maybe it's just me?
Wednesday night, I arrived at Tucson Baptist Church, 15 minutes prior to the "jubilee" that was to be bestoyed upon me and was greeted by a beauty-potential girl, who wore a lime-green corduroy skirt. She was the kind of girl, where if you took off her glasses and scrunchie, she would instantly go from geek to chic, like a cheesey teen comedy.
CORDUROY GIRL: Hi! Can I help you?
ME: Um. Yeah. I'm here for a Jesus class.
CORDUROY GIRL: A what?
ME: Uh, Bible study.
CORDUROY GIRL: Oh. Ok. I'm Cathleen. Welcome! And you are?
ME: I'm David.
CATHLEEN: Hi, David.
ME: Hi.
It was weird. Depite Cathleen's big smile and warm greeting, I didnt feel all that welcome. After I made my lame "Jesus class" joke, I felt like Cathleen was judging me up and down as a desperate loser trying to fit in with the rest of the Bible-carrying group. We walked down to the basement in silence. It was really uncomfortable, following this girl down the stairs, not knowing what waited for me at the other end. Not ready to face the Bible group, I decided to make a quick check in the bathroom. If I was gonna be durrounded by fashion victims, I decided I may as well give them somethimg they can aspire to.
I pushed opened the bathroom door, full blast. What I saw next completely stunned me. There, sitting on a porcelain throne was some dude, with his jeans at his ankles, shaking what had to be the smallest penis I've ever seen! I dont know if he was talking a shit or just peeing and shaking it off with his thumb and forefinger, but I freaked.
ME: I'm so sorry!
SMALL DUDE: SHUT THE DOOR!
ME: I know! Sorry!
SMALL DUDE: SHUT THE DOOR!
ME: I am.
SMALL DUDE: SHUT THE DOOR!
The door took forever to shut. It was the kind of door where it had springy hinges and closed all by itself, but slowly. I had to actually pull on the handle to make it go faster. As soon as it closed I ran down the stairs and burst out laughing. Who takes a shit in a public place with an unlocked door?! Tim saw me and asked me why I was laughing so hard. When I told him what had happened, he stood there with a frozen face.
He did not find my story funny at all. A few kids who overheard laughed, but that's all. Tim then went to go talk to the youth pastor and that's when the real action started. Apparently Small Dude's name was Josh and he had been in trouble with the youth group for acting "homosexual" (i.e. slappin' ass, winking and blowing air kisses, and rubbing his nipples to all the guys. If he was in highschool, he would have been labeled "class clown" and not "gay").
Me walking in on him was the last straw in the coffin. The nail that broke a camel's back. When Josh came down, the youth pastor took him to the side and asked him politely to leave. He was not to return until he could control his homosexual behavior. I felt bad for the dude and I couldnt believe these people who were supposed to be filled with Christ's love had cast their friend aside. If a friend is in trouble, dont you help them out instead of leaving them to figure it all out by themselves?
I decided to write the whole thing off as a bad experience and couldnt wait to tell all my friends all about it. Including, Charlotte, Carrie, Silly, and The Wife of Dingus. Thanks for your prayers!
The next day, I decided to go and visit my friend Maria at her new tutoring job at Mansfield Middle School. Maria had been seeing a guy, named Roy from school, and in all honesty, I kinda wanted to see the lucky fellow who had captivated her heart.
MARIA: David! Hi!
ME: Hey!
MARIA: Hey...what are you doing here?
ME: Nothing. I just came by to say hi.
MARIA: Oh.
ME:Yeah. That and see this Roy guy.
MARIA: Oh. Well. I dont think right now is a good time.
ME: Why?
MARIA: Well, I'm supposed to go to this engineering meeting with him right now.
ME: Ok? That's cool. We'll all go together.
MARIA: Yeah. But these are actual college kids.
I couldnt believe what my best friend was telling me. Sure, we attended different colleges, but just because they werent in the same zip code didnt mean one was better than the other. The classes we took were different, but that's only because she was majoring in bio-cemistry while I was trying to major in communications. I was just about to call Maria on her rude comment, when all of a sudden a guy came up behind her and put his hands over her eyes.
MARIA: Hey!
A GUY: Hey!
MARIA: Hi, Roy.
ROY: Hey! Hey dude.
ME: Hey.
MARIA: Roy, this is David. David, Roy.
ME: Hey.
ROY: Hey. So are you ready?
MARIA: Um, yeah.
ROY: Ok. Hey! Do you wanna come?
ME: Go where?
ROY: I have this engineer meeting. Maria comes with me every Thursday.
ME: Oh, cool.
ROY: Yeah, do you wanna come?
ME: Uh, sure. Maria? Is that ok?
MARIA: Uh, yeah.
Roy, a person who was a total and complete stranger had welcomed me to his group of friends, while my best friend had tried to exclude me. Why?
The rest of the evening went pretty well and I actually did have fun. No one cared what school I went to and that's probably because they all thought I went to their school, but still. I was totally at home. I taught a girl the proper way to pronounce "Givenchy" and I told a guy he could buy discount Express and Abercrombie & Fitch jeans at Marshalls. It was great. And at the same time, weird. These people were surprisingly warm and fun to be around. Unlike the Bible group and my friend Maria, which, I still do not understand. Or maybe it's just me?
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