Saturday afternoon, I had my very first table-read. Actually it was more of a couch-and-find-a-seat-anywhere-read, but it was still my first and I anticipated on making it an enjoyable one. Which is why I arrived 20 minutes early to Jeff's house. That and the fact I lose all sense of direction, once I hit the south side of town (if you're a Tucsonan, and thank God very few of you are, then you'll know that driving anywhere south of 12th and Ajo is like eating at Taco Bell: an adventure in the beginning, but a mistake in the end)
After reaching Jeff's house, located on the corner of Crime Spree and Urine, I was surprised to find Melinda already there. She claimed to have come for moral support but Jeff said, it was for the free pizza dinner. As more people began to show up, Melinda introduced me to the rest of the cast, including Steven and Jessica, aka, The Mad Hatter and The Queen of Hearts. Steven and Jessica were, as they put it, "best gal pals" and, like me, they were the only twenty year-olds in the bunch. Everyone else was 25 and over the hill.
STEVEN: So, how'd you get the part of the White Rabbit?
ME: What do you mean?
STEVEN: Well, I heard, Jeff, like, gave some of the parts to people he just met. Like off the street.
ME: Really?
JESSICA: Oh, yeah. It made us so mad, cuz' Steven wanted that part, but like, he didnt get it.
ME: Why?
STEVEN: I dont know why. I mean, it's not like I suck. It was so sad.
JESSICA: Yeah. He would've made one hell of a gay bunny!
STEVEN: So how'd you get it? Sexual favors?
ME: Uh, no. God, no! No, I, um, I heard about the auditions through a friend and I just auditioned. I wasnt looking for a certain part or anything, I just like the story Alice in Wonderland. And I thought it be something cool, you know?
STEVEN: Yeah. I hear you. But whatcha gonna do, huh?
Yes, Steven. What was I going to do? I couldnt very well tell you and Jessica I was an "off the street actor," so I did the next best thing and acted out the role of a lifetime. Myself. Since I had already convinced Steven and Jessica, I was capable of some sort of acting, I had no choice but to lose myself in the role of myself. Except, with this role, I decided I would play myself as "Put-together David." The David that was more cool and more confident, than I could ever be in real life. And it worked! Losing myself, in, well, myself, helped me to read the White Rabbit role with such gusto, that I actually thought I was the White Rabbit, wandering all around Wonderland, whining about lost time and my bitchy boss.
After two couch-and-find-a-seat-anywhere-read run-through's, Jeff decided to call it a night. He was confident, that as actors, we knew our craft and were capable of filming a movie. But as a group, he wasnt so sure. Jeff felt that we needed to bond more, and what better way for college kids to bond, then to get wasted at a keg party?
The party was off the hook! Every alcoholic beverage known to man, was to our disposal: Goldschlager, Hypnotiq, Jägermeister, Cuervo, Tanqueray...it was like visiting the United Nations on a good buzz. Everyone was bonding and having a good time. And even though my sight was slightly blurry, all was well. That's when Steven and Jessica approached me and Melinda.
JESSICA: Do you want like a faster buzz?
ME: How?
STEVEN: With this.
ME: What is it?
MELINDA: Fuckin' A! Are those recreational?!
ME: Recreational?! Dude, you're faded. Shut up.
MELINDA: No, David! For reals! You dont know what they could do to you!
JESSICA: Dude, they're like the bomb!
MELINDA: Yeah, but what is it?
STEVEN: It's Wonderland!
ME: Oh, cool! Let me have one!
I should've known better. The last time I visted Wonderland, it became Wonder-what-the-hell-happened-last-night-land. But I figured, the new cool, confident and put-together David, was a guy, who was up to trying new experiences. Hell, drunk as I was, I was probably up for trying a new sex posistion. That's when Jeff came up to us and asked how we were doing.
JEFF: Hey! What's up you guys?!
MELINDA: Nothing! Just leaving these two druggies.
JEFF: Druggies? What are you talking about?
ME: Nothing, she's just tired.
JEFF: What is she talking about?
STEVEN: These!
JEFF: Oh, man! Where'd you get those?
STEVEN: Why? You want some?!
JEFF: What are they?
ME: Here, have mine. I have to go inside, real quick.
JESSICA: Are you ok, dude?
ME: Yeah...hold on.
Obviously, the cool, confident and put-together David couldnt hold in as much alcohol as I thought he could. Two trips to the porcelain throne later, I passed out, and fell asleep right there on the bathroom floor. The next morning, through my hazy hangover, I heard Melinda on her cell phone, calling people, left and right, telling everyone that filming had been postponed.
ME: What happened?
MELINDA: Jeff was arrested last night for a DUI.
ME: Nuh-uh! Shut up!
MELINDA: Yeah.
ME: What was he under?
MELINDA: David, we were all drinking last night! Plus, you gave him drugs.
ME: Oh, shit!
MELINDA: And when he got pulled over, he didnt have his insurance. He's in major trouble.
ME: Is he ok? Where is he?
MELINDA: He's being held in some jail. His girlfriend called and told me to just call everyone to postpone everything.
ME: Til' when?
MELINDA: I dont know.
And that my blog friends, is how I ended my film career. By giving my film director drugs. I know I didnt put a gun to his head, but handing him the drugs didnt exactly help either. So I guess being an actor isnt my calling. I guess, pretending to be someone you're not, has its own downside, which goes to prove that you should always be honest and true to yourself, no matter what. Except for when they ask for the clothes back. Then it's ok to lie.
After reaching Jeff's house, located on the corner of Crime Spree and Urine, I was surprised to find Melinda already there. She claimed to have come for moral support but Jeff said, it was for the free pizza dinner. As more people began to show up, Melinda introduced me to the rest of the cast, including Steven and Jessica, aka, The Mad Hatter and The Queen of Hearts. Steven and Jessica were, as they put it, "best gal pals" and, like me, they were the only twenty year-olds in the bunch. Everyone else was 25 and over the hill.
STEVEN: So, how'd you get the part of the White Rabbit?
ME: What do you mean?
STEVEN: Well, I heard, Jeff, like, gave some of the parts to people he just met. Like off the street.
ME: Really?
JESSICA: Oh, yeah. It made us so mad, cuz' Steven wanted that part, but like, he didnt get it.
ME: Why?
STEVEN: I dont know why. I mean, it's not like I suck. It was so sad.
JESSICA: Yeah. He would've made one hell of a gay bunny!
STEVEN: So how'd you get it? Sexual favors?
ME: Uh, no. God, no! No, I, um, I heard about the auditions through a friend and I just auditioned. I wasnt looking for a certain part or anything, I just like the story Alice in Wonderland. And I thought it be something cool, you know?
STEVEN: Yeah. I hear you. But whatcha gonna do, huh?
Yes, Steven. What was I going to do? I couldnt very well tell you and Jessica I was an "off the street actor," so I did the next best thing and acted out the role of a lifetime. Myself. Since I had already convinced Steven and Jessica, I was capable of some sort of acting, I had no choice but to lose myself in the role of myself. Except, with this role, I decided I would play myself as "Put-together David." The David that was more cool and more confident, than I could ever be in real life. And it worked! Losing myself, in, well, myself, helped me to read the White Rabbit role with such gusto, that I actually thought I was the White Rabbit, wandering all around Wonderland, whining about lost time and my bitchy boss.
After two couch-and-find-a-seat-anywhere-read run-through's, Jeff decided to call it a night. He was confident, that as actors, we knew our craft and were capable of filming a movie. But as a group, he wasnt so sure. Jeff felt that we needed to bond more, and what better way for college kids to bond, then to get wasted at a keg party?
The party was off the hook! Every alcoholic beverage known to man, was to our disposal: Goldschlager, Hypnotiq, Jägermeister, Cuervo, Tanqueray...it was like visiting the United Nations on a good buzz. Everyone was bonding and having a good time. And even though my sight was slightly blurry, all was well. That's when Steven and Jessica approached me and Melinda.
JESSICA: Do you want like a faster buzz?
ME: How?
STEVEN: With this.
ME: What is it?
MELINDA: Fuckin' A! Are those recreational?!
ME: Recreational?! Dude, you're faded. Shut up.
MELINDA: No, David! For reals! You dont know what they could do to you!
JESSICA: Dude, they're like the bomb!
MELINDA: Yeah, but what is it?
STEVEN: It's Wonderland!
ME: Oh, cool! Let me have one!
I should've known better. The last time I visted Wonderland, it became Wonder-what-the-hell-happened-last-night-land. But I figured, the new cool, confident and put-together David, was a guy, who was up to trying new experiences. Hell, drunk as I was, I was probably up for trying a new sex posistion. That's when Jeff came up to us and asked how we were doing.
JEFF: Hey! What's up you guys?!
MELINDA: Nothing! Just leaving these two druggies.
JEFF: Druggies? What are you talking about?
ME: Nothing, she's just tired.
JEFF: What is she talking about?
STEVEN: These!
JEFF: Oh, man! Where'd you get those?
STEVEN: Why? You want some?!
JEFF: What are they?
ME: Here, have mine. I have to go inside, real quick.
JESSICA: Are you ok, dude?
ME: Yeah...hold on.
Obviously, the cool, confident and put-together David couldnt hold in as much alcohol as I thought he could. Two trips to the porcelain throne later, I passed out, and fell asleep right there on the bathroom floor. The next morning, through my hazy hangover, I heard Melinda on her cell phone, calling people, left and right, telling everyone that filming had been postponed.
ME: What happened?
MELINDA: Jeff was arrested last night for a DUI.
ME: Nuh-uh! Shut up!
MELINDA: Yeah.
ME: What was he under?
MELINDA: David, we were all drinking last night! Plus, you gave him drugs.
ME: Oh, shit!
MELINDA: And when he got pulled over, he didnt have his insurance. He's in major trouble.
ME: Is he ok? Where is he?
MELINDA: He's being held in some jail. His girlfriend called and told me to just call everyone to postpone everything.
ME: Til' when?
MELINDA: I dont know.
And that my blog friends, is how I ended my film career. By giving my film director drugs. I know I didnt put a gun to his head, but handing him the drugs didnt exactly help either. So I guess being an actor isnt my calling. I guess, pretending to be someone you're not, has its own downside, which goes to prove that you should always be honest and true to yourself, no matter what. Except for when they ask for the clothes back. Then it's ok to lie.
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