Three weeks ago, my blog friend Miss Jay posted this question on her blog: What causes one marriage to fail where another succeeds? Or better yet, for that matter, what makes a relationship work?
For my mother, it was obvious she believed that a good meal is what seals the deal. And true, they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but is that really enough? My mother asked me, how I did know Jennifer wasnt the right person for me if I never gave her a chance and the truth was, I didnt really know. But what made my mother think she knew what was best for me? It was like that magazine article I read in the 11th grade. In India, most marriages are arranged by the families. The bride and groom may never even see each other until the day of the wedding, yet divorce between such couples is rare. Was their way better than mine?
I needed some answers. So I went to my favorite downtown flower shop to find them.
What I found was that my friend Ashley was in a similar situation. The other week, Ashley's mother told her she had seven months to find a boyfriend. Her family decided to spend the upcoming 2006 New Years Eve going out, and apparently, for a parent, nothing is worse than bringing along your single 18-year-old daughter.
ME: Why dont you just ask one of your guy friends to do it?
ASHLEY: Because it wouldnt be fair to him. Having to drag him along and be with my family, when he could be at some party, is just not cool.
ME: I dont know. It could be fun. When you're with a friend, anything can be fun. Just dont ditch him, you know?
ASHLEY: Hmmm. You know what? Maybe you should be my boyfriend.
ME: What?
ASHLEY: Yeah. You should. I get my date for New Years and your mom gets off your back. It's so perfect and convient!
I didnt know what to think. I mean, yeah, sure, Ashley was cute, but was hooking up just because it was convient, enough? On the other hand it would get my mother off my back about having a girlfriend that I could marry, just so she could have grandkids. But I was still unsure. And with it being my last week of school and finals, finding a new girlfriend wasnt exactly my top priority.
The next morning, also known as, the last day of school, I found myself at the college computer commons room printing out my final term paper for journalism. And it was there that I saw my good high school friend, Elena. She was writing a last minute term paper on the issue of illegal immigrants, and after seeing how long it was, I asked her why she was so passionate on the subject.
ELENA: David...can I trust you?
ME: Yeah. Elena, you know you can.
ELENA: I'm an immigrant. An illegal one too. I came here from Mexico when I was six.
ME: Really? Like you wandered through the desert and actually crossed?
ELENA: Yeah. We crossed the border through a hole in the fence. Back then it was a lot easier.
ME: Wow. Elena I had no idea. I would have never thought you crossed the border. I mean, I know you're Mexican, but you dont even have an accent.
ELENA: Well sometimes I do.
ME: Arent you scared that someone might find out? That you might get taken away?
ELENA: I'm scared every day. I dont want to be, but I am.
It wasnt fair that Elena had to live a life of fear. She was a full time student who still managed to work 40 hours a week, while I being a sorta-full time student, with no job, complained about not having enough time for anything. For spring break, I dreamed about appearing on MTV hoping to get "discovered", while Elena stayed at home, never going anywhere, because she couldnt leave Tucson. It was a sad college life, and I coulnt help but feel sorry for her.
ME: So why dont you just marry your boyfriend James?
ELENA: Because I love him.
ME: Ok...and?
ELENA: If I marry him, it's like I was using him to get my green card. I cant do that to him. Plus it would look kinda fishy.
ME: How so?
ELENA: A Mexican marrying a German? That'll send up a red flag, and it'll look like I married him for my green card. No, I have to marry someone who's a U.S. citizen. Someone who's available, but not looking for anything romantic. And if he was Mexican, well, it wouldnt look so weird, you know?
ME: Uh, kinda...well do you have any friends like that?
No sooner had the words come out of my mouth, that I wondered whether or not Elena considered me a possible candidate for a groom. I was a U.S. citizen. I was available. And after seeing Elena swallow four onion chili dogs at a high school party one time and pass gas, even after she passed out, I certainly wasnt interested in anything romantic. I was the perfect guy. Hell, I even had that Mexican heritage thing she was looking for. But was Elena right? Was having a similar heritage really what it took to make a marriage work?
I could see why she thought she couldnt marry him, without it looking like she used him, but I couldnt see how she thought marrying a Mexican looked less suspicious than marrying a German. When you love someone, is a factor of heritage really that important?
After finishing her paper, Elena invited me to go out for sushi, but I had to decline. I kinda sensed that her sushi supper was more of loaded lunch with the possibility of marriage and though I did consider myself a good friend, getting married without being in love was just something I couldnt see myself doing. I always thought, that if that day should come, it would be with someone I not only loved but liked as well.
So what does makes a marriage work? Is it a matter of convience or is it having somthing in common? I know that love doesnt always exist in some marriages, but yet somehow, they still seem to work. For a whirlwind wedding that doesnt even exist, the whole talk of marriage is sure creating a great deal of stress...especially for the groom!
For my mother, it was obvious she believed that a good meal is what seals the deal. And true, they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but is that really enough? My mother asked me, how I did know Jennifer wasnt the right person for me if I never gave her a chance and the truth was, I didnt really know. But what made my mother think she knew what was best for me? It was like that magazine article I read in the 11th grade. In India, most marriages are arranged by the families. The bride and groom may never even see each other until the day of the wedding, yet divorce between such couples is rare. Was their way better than mine?
I needed some answers. So I went to my favorite downtown flower shop to find them.
What I found was that my friend Ashley was in a similar situation. The other week, Ashley's mother told her she had seven months to find a boyfriend. Her family decided to spend the upcoming 2006 New Years Eve going out, and apparently, for a parent, nothing is worse than bringing along your single 18-year-old daughter.
ME: Why dont you just ask one of your guy friends to do it?
ASHLEY: Because it wouldnt be fair to him. Having to drag him along and be with my family, when he could be at some party, is just not cool.
ME: I dont know. It could be fun. When you're with a friend, anything can be fun. Just dont ditch him, you know?
ASHLEY: Hmmm. You know what? Maybe you should be my boyfriend.
ME: What?
ASHLEY: Yeah. You should. I get my date for New Years and your mom gets off your back. It's so perfect and convient!
I didnt know what to think. I mean, yeah, sure, Ashley was cute, but was hooking up just because it was convient, enough? On the other hand it would get my mother off my back about having a girlfriend that I could marry, just so she could have grandkids. But I was still unsure. And with it being my last week of school and finals, finding a new girlfriend wasnt exactly my top priority.
The next morning, also known as, the last day of school, I found myself at the college computer commons room printing out my final term paper for journalism. And it was there that I saw my good high school friend, Elena. She was writing a last minute term paper on the issue of illegal immigrants, and after seeing how long it was, I asked her why she was so passionate on the subject.
ELENA: David...can I trust you?
ME: Yeah. Elena, you know you can.
ELENA: I'm an immigrant. An illegal one too. I came here from Mexico when I was six.
ME: Really? Like you wandered through the desert and actually crossed?
ELENA: Yeah. We crossed the border through a hole in the fence. Back then it was a lot easier.
ME: Wow. Elena I had no idea. I would have never thought you crossed the border. I mean, I know you're Mexican, but you dont even have an accent.
ELENA: Well sometimes I do.
ME: Arent you scared that someone might find out? That you might get taken away?
ELENA: I'm scared every day. I dont want to be, but I am.
It wasnt fair that Elena had to live a life of fear. She was a full time student who still managed to work 40 hours a week, while I being a sorta-full time student, with no job, complained about not having enough time for anything. For spring break, I dreamed about appearing on MTV hoping to get "discovered", while Elena stayed at home, never going anywhere, because she couldnt leave Tucson. It was a sad college life, and I coulnt help but feel sorry for her.
ME: So why dont you just marry your boyfriend James?
ELENA: Because I love him.
ME: Ok...and?
ELENA: If I marry him, it's like I was using him to get my green card. I cant do that to him. Plus it would look kinda fishy.
ME: How so?
ELENA: A Mexican marrying a German? That'll send up a red flag, and it'll look like I married him for my green card. No, I have to marry someone who's a U.S. citizen. Someone who's available, but not looking for anything romantic. And if he was Mexican, well, it wouldnt look so weird, you know?
ME: Uh, kinda...well do you have any friends like that?
No sooner had the words come out of my mouth, that I wondered whether or not Elena considered me a possible candidate for a groom. I was a U.S. citizen. I was available. And after seeing Elena swallow four onion chili dogs at a high school party one time and pass gas, even after she passed out, I certainly wasnt interested in anything romantic. I was the perfect guy. Hell, I even had that Mexican heritage thing she was looking for. But was Elena right? Was having a similar heritage really what it took to make a marriage work?
I could see why she thought she couldnt marry him, without it looking like she used him, but I couldnt see how she thought marrying a Mexican looked less suspicious than marrying a German. When you love someone, is a factor of heritage really that important?
After finishing her paper, Elena invited me to go out for sushi, but I had to decline. I kinda sensed that her sushi supper was more of loaded lunch with the possibility of marriage and though I did consider myself a good friend, getting married without being in love was just something I couldnt see myself doing. I always thought, that if that day should come, it would be with someone I not only loved but liked as well.
So what does makes a marriage work? Is it a matter of convience or is it having somthing in common? I know that love doesnt always exist in some marriages, but yet somehow, they still seem to work. For a whirlwind wedding that doesnt even exist, the whole talk of marriage is sure creating a great deal of stress...especially for the groom!
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