Fresh from her weekend in the woods, Maria and I had lunch yesterday, to talk about her adventures in the wild, wild wilderness.
Like all camping trips, it started off real slow as they unpacked and pitched the tent. Of course, Maria wasnt the only one pitching a tent. As Maria helped Louie unpack the truck and set camp, she could sense that he wanted to be more than just friends. Duh. But not wanting to ruin a perfectly good weekend before it had even begun, she talked to Louie over "tall boys" and told him that if anything was to ever happen between them, it would have to be eased into and not forced. Kinda like sex with a virgin.
Of course, Louie saw this as his chance to shine. The primitive beast within Louie was released, and like any good agile hunter who provides for the clan, he made the best cheeseburgers Maria had ever tasted. He showed his compassionate side as he offered Maria the better half of the air mattress they slept on inside the tent and when it came to showing selflessness, he allowed Maria to spoon him in the middle of the night without a fight.
The next morning, as the sun crept through the clouds and the fresh pine-scented breeze came rolling down the hillside, Maria awoke to see that Louie was already bustling around camp making breakfast. No one was more surprised than Maria. And speaking of surprises, back in Tucson, my mother also awoke to a surprise. As she was watering her front lawn plants, she noticed that each one of the tires in her Expedition was flat. What she found was four nails buried deep in each one of the black rubber tires. Now I'm not one to point fingers or judge, but I suspect foul play and that a certain neighbor of mine is still harboring unresolved feelings...who knew people with arthritis were capable of revenge?
Later that day, Louie decided to take Maria on a small boat trip. As they both stepped into the plastic purple boat, Louie realized that he was too big for the seat belt.
MARIA: Is everything ok?
LOUIE: Yeah. It's just this is a little too small.
MARIA: Mine fits me ok.
LOUIE: Oh, well.
MARIA: I think it's because you have a little too much body fat.
From then on, everything said between the happy campers was taken with the proverbial grain of salt. Maria explained to Louie's that by consuming as much alcohol as he did, it was a factor that led to his horizontal growth. And Louie explained to Maria that by being as offensive as she was, it was a factor that could lead to a bitch growth. As they drifted off into the lake, the hot Arizona sun began to beam down upon them. Seeing that Louie was perspiring profusely, Maria suggested a swim.
LOUIE: Well, if you do, then I'm gonna head back to shore, because I dont wanna get wet.
MARIA: But I need someone to be out here with me.
LOUIE: Well, how much fun will it be for me? Sitting here in the boat, waiting for you while you swim.
MARIA: Well, you know, you can get down and swim with me.
LOUIE: But I dont wanna get wet. And the water's dirty!
MARIA: Louie, it's hot! Dirty water or clean water, it doesnt matter! It's water! And it's cold!
They ended up not swimming that day, and instead, ended up driving home. They drove in silence, only speaking when it was vitally necessary or if their cell phone's rang. After Maria got home, she realized how quiet it was. The rest of her family was away, vacationing in Southern Mexico, leaving her a house full of stillness. There was no one to talk to. No one to argue with. No one to see how miserable she was, now that she was all alone.
Swallowing her pride, Maria called Louie and apologized for ruining his weekend trip. He accepted her apology and soon, the two of them were laughing and gossiping like two old ladies at a beauty salon. It was then that Louie suggested a second camping trip. This time, in Northen Arizona in a real-life cabin with all the amenities of home.
ME: But you're not gonna go, right?
MARIA: Well, kinda, sorta, yeah.
ME: Maria! You called him fat and he called you a bitch! You guys obviously dont mesh well!
MARIA: Well, I still have some time off and I dont wanna be home all by myself.
ME: And that's your reasoning?
MARIA: Well, sometimes it's better to be with someone, than it is to be lonely. You just want companionship. Someone to talk to and hang out with. It's not so bad...
Like all camping trips, it started off real slow as they unpacked and pitched the tent. Of course, Maria wasnt the only one pitching a tent. As Maria helped Louie unpack the truck and set camp, she could sense that he wanted to be more than just friends. Duh. But not wanting to ruin a perfectly good weekend before it had even begun, she talked to Louie over "tall boys" and told him that if anything was to ever happen between them, it would have to be eased into and not forced. Kinda like sex with a virgin.
Of course, Louie saw this as his chance to shine. The primitive beast within Louie was released, and like any good agile hunter who provides for the clan, he made the best cheeseburgers Maria had ever tasted. He showed his compassionate side as he offered Maria the better half of the air mattress they slept on inside the tent and when it came to showing selflessness, he allowed Maria to spoon him in the middle of the night without a fight.
The next morning, as the sun crept through the clouds and the fresh pine-scented breeze came rolling down the hillside, Maria awoke to see that Louie was already bustling around camp making breakfast. No one was more surprised than Maria. And speaking of surprises, back in Tucson, my mother also awoke to a surprise. As she was watering her front lawn plants, she noticed that each one of the tires in her Expedition was flat. What she found was four nails buried deep in each one of the black rubber tires. Now I'm not one to point fingers or judge, but I suspect foul play and that a certain neighbor of mine is still harboring unresolved feelings...who knew people with arthritis were capable of revenge?
Later that day, Louie decided to take Maria on a small boat trip. As they both stepped into the plastic purple boat, Louie realized that he was too big for the seat belt.
MARIA: Is everything ok?
LOUIE: Yeah. It's just this is a little too small.
MARIA: Mine fits me ok.
LOUIE: Oh, well.
MARIA: I think it's because you have a little too much body fat.
From then on, everything said between the happy campers was taken with the proverbial grain of salt. Maria explained to Louie's that by consuming as much alcohol as he did, it was a factor that led to his horizontal growth. And Louie explained to Maria that by being as offensive as she was, it was a factor that could lead to a bitch growth. As they drifted off into the lake, the hot Arizona sun began to beam down upon them. Seeing that Louie was perspiring profusely, Maria suggested a swim.
LOUIE: Well, if you do, then I'm gonna head back to shore, because I dont wanna get wet.
MARIA: But I need someone to be out here with me.
LOUIE: Well, how much fun will it be for me? Sitting here in the boat, waiting for you while you swim.
MARIA: Well, you know, you can get down and swim with me.
LOUIE: But I dont wanna get wet. And the water's dirty!
MARIA: Louie, it's hot! Dirty water or clean water, it doesnt matter! It's water! And it's cold!
They ended up not swimming that day, and instead, ended up driving home. They drove in silence, only speaking when it was vitally necessary or if their cell phone's rang. After Maria got home, she realized how quiet it was. The rest of her family was away, vacationing in Southern Mexico, leaving her a house full of stillness. There was no one to talk to. No one to argue with. No one to see how miserable she was, now that she was all alone.
Swallowing her pride, Maria called Louie and apologized for ruining his weekend trip. He accepted her apology and soon, the two of them were laughing and gossiping like two old ladies at a beauty salon. It was then that Louie suggested a second camping trip. This time, in Northen Arizona in a real-life cabin with all the amenities of home.
ME: But you're not gonna go, right?
MARIA: Well, kinda, sorta, yeah.
ME: Maria! You called him fat and he called you a bitch! You guys obviously dont mesh well!
MARIA: Well, I still have some time off and I dont wanna be home all by myself.
ME: And that's your reasoning?
MARIA: Well, sometimes it's better to be with someone, than it is to be lonely. You just want companionship. Someone to talk to and hang out with. It's not so bad...
|